I know I said I'd post some pictures of camping etc, but I've got to handle this first.
I've been out of sorts lately. Nothing I could put my finger on, but my temper flairs at an instant & I've been snapping at Blixx (Grips, anyone available)all over the place. I get angry when Cass forgets to wash her hands after potty or bugs me for the thousanth time to go outside or whatever. I know all of this yet have been unable to stop myself. I'm tired & cranky all the time, lazier than usual. I've let household stuff slide, which wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't a stay at home mom who's supposed to be on top of this stuff...it's my job. Perhaps all the rain is the problem - stuck inside or struggling to find stuff to do with a 3 yr old is pretty stressful. But overall I've been a collasal bitch to my hubby, my kid and just about anybody I can get my hands on...all for no real reason.
Last night Blixx called me on it. Perhaps it's because he's been working with idiots all week for long hours and not enough money. He's been cranky, and admits it. So, I've cranked right back. For me, it's all specifics. He said this so I reacted. He did that, so I stomped out. For him, it's the general sense of me being not happy with anything that overrides it all and worries/upsets him. He's really really really at whits end here and freaked me right the hell out with the verbal diahreah he spewed forth. He said so many things, so many many things that's wrong.
"I've been working my ASS off, but if no one is happy then what the hell is the point?"
"I'd love to switch jobs with you, it would be nirvana to be able to spend all day with my beautiful daughter"
Both of those got me. I mean, I'm appreciative that he's out there working and I'm here raising Cass and juggling the bills to make ends meet. I guess I'm just not showing it. The small bursts of activity I do just aren't enough. Then again, he's a tough task master and I get really upset when I've had a busy day and done a bunch of domestic stuff (in hopes that he'll notice/be pleased) and he instantly finds the one thing I didn't think of, didn't remember, didn't read his damn mind to know.
My moods reflect his. I'll try to pull myself together before he comes home, but then he'll stomp in & be all pissy...and apparently expect me to still be chipper chearful. I pull back from him and try to interact as little as possible so he won't lash out at me, because he will and I can't take it. He talked a lot about not being able to take my snapping yet in the next breath he's saying "can't I be angry from work? it's not always you" so he's asking for what he's unable to give me.
I didn't sleep a lot last night, mainly due to mulling over the sad state of my marriage, but Cass being up with boogers every couple of hours didn't help. He says he doesn't see me happy. I say he's never home, so how would he know. I haven't seen a lot of him happy either. He says he only see's me happy when Grips is sitting next to me and I'm 3 sheets to the wind.
I'd love to argue that one, but he's right. I drink & stuff way too much, but dammit all if I don't look forward to the after bedtime ritual of sitting my fat ass on the couch and getting my groove on. It's selfish time and I don't get any of that any more. Then again, I'm totally resenting Cass for neeeeeeding me which is the exact opposite of how it should be. She's a gift and I should treasure each and every moment I have with her. I mean, so what if it's each and every moment of every day and she can't go 30 minutes without needing something from me. It's the nature of the beast and my poor attitude makes for her poor attitude so we're at each other's throats...then Blixx gets home and expects June Cleever and gets a big pile of BS.
He says my attitude needs to change. He's right. I couldn't admit it to him last night for fear that I'd loose it or just get mad, which has been my poison of choice. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself when there's really nothing to be sorry about. I've got a wonderful hubby who works hard to provide for us. I get to stay home with my kid and have only the most basic of tasks to perform, yet I still manage to fuck them up.
He said a lot of other stuff to. There was an underlying threat that he can't take being with me in my current state...which leads me to wonder if he's talking about walking out on me. Scary. He also said he was being treated like a friend of ours...passing comment only...but that friend is in the dark about a lot of things in her marriage and what her spouse is doing...I just don't know what to make of that since all my vices are out in the open...so what the hell is he talking about? He think I've got stuff going on outside the marriage, cuz that would really freak me out. We're over that suspicion, I thought. Shit.
I think a lot of it is due to me not paying enough attention to Blixx. Flat out, by the end of the day (which is when he's rolling home)I'm worn out taking care of someone else, so he gets little sympathy. That, and he's ALWAYS tired and working with idiots. It is so rare that he walks in the door with a smile on his face, I can't remember the last time it happened. Ok, don't get me wrong. He sees Cass and he sparkles for her. Perhaps it's just me he doesn't smile for. Shit...what have I been giving him to smile for?
Then there's talking on the phone. Apparently, we can't do it. It seems to me that he's always calling when I'm right in the middle of something, usually a meal. I don't want to chat on the cell phone, especially if he's on his way home and I'm trying to get Cass onto the potty, out of the bath or to learn a new song. Then he gets home and Cass wants all his time, which I generally encourage cuz one less diaper for me to change is perfectly fine for me. We try to talk and she either physicly puts herself in between us or just jumps up & down screaming until we stop trying to communicate at all. I'm burned out from taking care of someone else all day every day - remember selfish old Chynakatt you grew up with and learned to love. Ya well, that's been shelved and while I wouldn't change a thing it's still hard for me to give myself so completely to Cass...then have Blixx want some too. I just don't know if there's enough of me to go around.
Which is completely unfair to Blixx. He says I haven't been listening to him, and he's right. But it's all bitch bitch bitch. Ya I know, he could say right back at ya baby.
I imagine I'll be starting a lot of sentances with "Honey, I'm not mad at you, but I'm really trying to....blah blah....right now."
Perfect example of how OFF we are:
It's Wednesday night at 11:30pm. Grips is here and we 3 are hanging out getting our groove on, as usual. I know that Blixx has to be up at 5:30am to be at work in Boston at 7. I have 2 options, neither of which has been correct. I've reminded him of his responsibility and suggested that we call it a night. This is met with resistance on both of their parts and I'm told to relax. Grips even pointed out that I was the only one worried about Blixx's schedule so I needed to settle down. Ok, so then the other night it's getting to be midnight and while I'm worried about Blixx not getting enough sleep, I keep it to myself. We get to bed at 1am ish, when Blixx gets all huffy and mad that he will only get 4 hours sleep. No, he wasn't blaming me, but I went ahead and blamed myself. I later brought up the situation and asked him what I should have done. "Well maybe we shouldn't hang out drinking every night."
Ok, well then speak up and let me know what you want to do. Grips is here almost every night. His wife goes to sleep at 9, which is just when he's getting going so he comes here and we watch stupid tv and tell the same old stories over & over again. I don't mind Grips being here, if we have no plans for anything else. He's a funny dude and it's easier for Blixx & I to ignore the pink elephant in the room when he's here. I think both Blixx & I are waiting for the other to be all like 'Honey, lets spend some qt together." Blixx will tell me to tell Grips that we're not hanging out, usually cuz he's so overtired he just can't take it, or he has an EARLY call time or something about work. Blixx puts me in the position of telling Grips that he's on his own for the night, which makes him pissy. I'll tell Grips that we're not hanging if I want to spend time with Blixx probably like 3 times a month. Apparently I need to do more of that.
I need Blixx to believe that I want to spend time with him, to listen to him and give him what he needs. Yes, I phrased that correctly. I don't know what I really want, other than for Blixx to believe. We've always had our problems and I am tired of going over the same old ground time and again. Of course, financially we can't divorce. And Cass would be crushed - she already keeps me up crying if she can't have Daddy put her to bed. I want to listen, I just don't want to listen to the same old shit.
Is it that I'm bored? Yeah, with a lot of things.
Ok, so change it up!
Hmmm what to keep, and what to throw away?
I'm gunna let all this sit for a while, and read it later on, after I've had more coffee and more time to think, then figure out what I'm gunna tell Blixx later on. Blixx told me to fgo talk to someone. I'm talking to you, and myself. I need some perspective.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Memorial Day - The Camping Season has Begun
So we're camping at Wells State Park this weekend. It's right in Sturbridge so if any of you want to come up and visit, please feel free to give me a call. Blixx headed out a little while ago. He took all of our stuff so he's planning on setting up the tent, screenhouse and everything, then chill this evening with Toad. Cass & I will join them tomorrow at some point and stay thru Monday. The Weather looks pretty good, with the possible exception of thunderstorms tomorrow evening, which we can certainly work around. It will be in the 80's Sunday and Monday - woo hoo! I can't wait to see Cass in her little bikini on the beach.
I'll be sure to post plenty of pictures of our adventures when we return.
I'll be sure to post plenty of pictures of our adventures when we return.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Mother's Day Weekend
This was a pretty good weekend for the most part. Saturday I spent the day cleaning & organizing the house for the Mother's visit. Not only did I vaccum everywhere, but dusting and actually picking stuff up and putting it where it goes. Well, putting it upstairs in the 'office' to rot. I also caught up on GH (holy crap! Anna & Holly & Robert Scorpio are back....and old!)and Alias, as well as listening to music entirely too loud. You see, we let Blixx sleep in until almost noon, sent him & Cass into the shower then off with Grips & Vic to the Worcester Ecotarium. It's been raining for what seems like forever and Cass definately needed to run her little self out. They all had a great time, & Blixx brought home pizza for dinner so it was all good.
I get tense around my mother. That's an understatement really, but you get the idea. Add Blixx's mother to the mix and I've got palpitations, so you can imagine me runnign around the house making sure the cats stop shedding, keeping Cass's ponytails in...snapping at my husband. Oh ya, it was classic. So I'm all freaking out because they are on their way - then 11 comes & goes and I'm freaking out because they aren't there yet. Grrrr.
Anyway, we all went to the Post Office Pub and met Grip's family (grandmothers, sisters...there was 15 of us) to have a nice breakfast buffet. The food was wonderful, as was the company. Our moms came back to the house and we looked at pictures from Blixx's mom's trip to New Zealand & Australia. Wow she saw some wonderful sights and had a great time. They were all out of the house by around 4pm, at which time I promptly ditched the pantyhose and went right for the sweatpants & fleece look. Cass went upstairs for some rest (NOT a nap, cuz she's a big girl and don't you forget it)and Blixx went out to do some errands. He came home & we were both on the couch watching Stealth. OMG what a piece of drek. And since when do USNavy fighter pilots get to wear belly shirts as their uniforms? Anyway, I decided to really milk the Mother's Day thing and lay around as much as possible so Blixx sure had his hands full with Cass. She helped him make shepards pie for dinner even.
Grips came by later on & we watched the Survivor finale and I drank too much wine.
Yesterday was so rainy and miserable, I didn't get out of my pajamas until almost 2pm. I just didn't see the need to. Cass & I stayed in and read some books and watched the movie Valiant (ok I dozed, I admit it)and took a day of rest. I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now for it. Cass slept until after 8 this mornign so that might have something to do with it too. Or its just the coffee talking. Mmmmm talking coffee.
Today we're heading to B&N story hour, which I assume will be packed due to the weather, then going to the health food store to do some grocery shopping. I can not stress enough how cool Trader Joe's is as a market. You MUST go there, especially for snacks. Not everything there is good for you, but it's less sugar and less preservatives and less sodium. I think I'll grab their crispy orange chicken for dinner tonight. Nice & easy. We'll go to the pet store next door so Cass can see the fish & birds & ferrets. Later this evening I'm going out with friends to my favorite seedy bar to watch the Red Sox cream Baltimore. Tomorrow I watch Q & I think I'll grab that Ecotarium pass and take them up there again to run around. I don't think Q has ever been so Cass can show him around. Thursday we have a fun playgroup at a local church, then Blixx has the day off so we'll come home & wake him up. By that time camping will be only a week away so we've got to get our gear together. I imagine there will be a big trip to EMS or REI in our near future. I think we're heading to the library on Friday for some animal or train show. I don't remember what they had scheduled, but whatever...free entertainment for my kid is hard to find.
I get tense around my mother. That's an understatement really, but you get the idea. Add Blixx's mother to the mix and I've got palpitations, so you can imagine me runnign around the house making sure the cats stop shedding, keeping Cass's ponytails in...snapping at my husband. Oh ya, it was classic. So I'm all freaking out because they are on their way - then 11 comes & goes and I'm freaking out because they aren't there yet. Grrrr.
Anyway, we all went to the Post Office Pub and met Grip's family (grandmothers, sisters...there was 15 of us) to have a nice breakfast buffet. The food was wonderful, as was the company. Our moms came back to the house and we looked at pictures from Blixx's mom's trip to New Zealand & Australia. Wow she saw some wonderful sights and had a great time. They were all out of the house by around 4pm, at which time I promptly ditched the pantyhose and went right for the sweatpants & fleece look. Cass went upstairs for some rest (NOT a nap, cuz she's a big girl and don't you forget it)and Blixx went out to do some errands. He came home & we were both on the couch watching Stealth. OMG what a piece of drek. And since when do USNavy fighter pilots get to wear belly shirts as their uniforms? Anyway, I decided to really milk the Mother's Day thing and lay around as much as possible so Blixx sure had his hands full with Cass. She helped him make shepards pie for dinner even.
Grips came by later on & we watched the Survivor finale and I drank too much wine.
Yesterday was so rainy and miserable, I didn't get out of my pajamas until almost 2pm. I just didn't see the need to. Cass & I stayed in and read some books and watched the movie Valiant (ok I dozed, I admit it)and took a day of rest. I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now for it. Cass slept until after 8 this mornign so that might have something to do with it too. Or its just the coffee talking. Mmmmm talking coffee.
Today we're heading to B&N story hour, which I assume will be packed due to the weather, then going to the health food store to do some grocery shopping. I can not stress enough how cool Trader Joe's is as a market. You MUST go there, especially for snacks. Not everything there is good for you, but it's less sugar and less preservatives and less sodium. I think I'll grab their crispy orange chicken for dinner tonight. Nice & easy. We'll go to the pet store next door so Cass can see the fish & birds & ferrets. Later this evening I'm going out with friends to my favorite seedy bar to watch the Red Sox cream Baltimore. Tomorrow I watch Q & I think I'll grab that Ecotarium pass and take them up there again to run around. I don't think Q has ever been so Cass can show him around. Thursday we have a fun playgroup at a local church, then Blixx has the day off so we'll come home & wake him up. By that time camping will be only a week away so we've got to get our gear together. I imagine there will be a big trip to EMS or REI in our near future. I think we're heading to the library on Friday for some animal or train show. I don't remember what they had scheduled, but whatever...free entertainment for my kid is hard to find.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
US Citizenship Quiz - Looks like I'm getting deported
| You Failed the US Citizenship Test |
 Oops, you only got 5 out of 10 right! |
Deadly Sins
| Your Deadly Sins |
| Greed: 60% |
| Sloth: 60% |
| Gluttony: 40% |
| Pride: 40% |
| Envy: 20% |
| Lust: 20% |
| Wrath: 20% |
| Chance You'll Go to Hell: 37% |
| You will die love and feared by many. And you'll be buried in a tomb. |
Monday, May 08, 2006
The Weekend
Greetings readers.My weekend started on Thursday when Grips decided to go on an evening kayak trip and that he wanted some company. Blixx had been up since 4am for work, then had gone biking with Toad, so he was DONE so I got the pass. We went to Buffumville and had a some margaritas as we floated around in the quiet. Ok, the peepers were out of control so it wasn't that quiet but still really relaxing. Neither of us needed a lot of conversation and that was fine with me to just chill and float with a nice drink in hand. Ahhhhhhh.
Friday Cass & I stuck around the house for a while, playing outside in the yard, then went & ran some errands. I finally returned the library books - man, I don't know what my problem is with that! I got paid by the radio station. We then stopped by our friend Tree's house and let the girls play for a while so I could listen to her bitch about mother's day and mothers in general. It was quite the rant. Blixx worked a little late on Friday so Cass requested hash & eggs for dinner - out of the blue, so I was obliged to give in. Besides, I love a good breakfast any time of the day.
Blixx had to work Saturday at Northeastern's graduation, so after being very very very lazy in our pj's all morning, I finally hauled her into the car and we went to the Apple Blossom Festival at Tougas Farm. After threatening to rain all day I finally got sick of waiting and dontcha know, it POURS on the drive over there, to the point where I almost turned around. Glad I stuck it out though because it ended up being beautiful & sunny.
Friday Cass & I stuck around the house for a while, playing outside in the yard, then went & ran some errands. I finally returned the library books - man, I don't know what my problem is with that! I got paid by the radio station. We then stopped by our friend Tree's house and let the girls play for a while so I could listen to her bitch about mother's day and mothers in general. It was quite the rant. Blixx worked a little late on Friday so Cass requested hash & eggs for dinner - out of the blue, so I was obliged to give in. Besides, I love a good breakfast any time of the day.
Blixx had to work Saturday at Northeastern's graduation, so after being very very very lazy in our pj's all morning, I finally hauled her into the car and we went to the Apple Blossom Festival at Tougas Farm. After threatening to rain all day I finally got sick of waiting and dontcha know, it POURS on the drive over there, to the point where I almost turned around. Glad I stuck it out though because it ended up being beautiful & sunny.
She's a sucker for the petting zoo.
Funny Face! All hopped up on strawberry donuts.
Yesterday Cass & I went to church in the morning, then collected Blixx and headed to Rutland State Park for a family kayak with Grips & the gang. It was a beautiful sunny but cool day, the girls were well behaved. Toad even joined us! It was positively lovely! I took Cass in my boat for the first half, then Blixx had her for the second so I could just sort of drift back to shore. We saw turtles and a water snake so Cass was psyched. Vic even paddled her own boat most of the way & did a great job. Cass wants to be in her own boat so we're thinking that Memorial Day we'll put her in the little boat and tow her behind us & see what happens. My baby is growing up. Now if she'd only shit in the toilet life would be grand.
We went to Ronnie's for fried seafood & ice cream after and it was just about as close to a perfect family day as I can remember.
So I should hold on to that feeling because today Blixx starts a 9 day job where he's got to drive to Manchester NH every day for a 8am start so he's leaving the house at 6:30 which means he'll be up at 5:30 every morning. It's a cooking shoot so the perks should be great, and I'm sending him with a cooler every day to bring me leftovers, but it will be a long hard couple of days.
This week - hmmm, let me see. Today Cass & I are going to do some yard work and I should probably clean out my car - it has exceeded even my expectations for yucky. Oh, and laundry. Lots of laundry. Tomorrow we're meeting some friends to see Mission Impossible 3 at the Mommie movie. Cass won't be interested in the flick, but she'll have her little friend Livvie with her, as well as my buddy BabyGeorge. Cass told me to go to the store and get a BabyGeirge for myself just the other day. It was classic. Almost as good as when I was changing Q and points and yells PEEEEEENIS, then tries to take her own pants off to show him her 'gina. Wednesday I've got Q again for a few hours at least, and I think I'll have my mom come up if she NEEDS to this week. Thursday we have playgroup in the morning then weather permitting, I want to get some friends to take a walk in the woods with us or something in the afternoon. I'm not exactly sure as to what next weekend holds for us, other than Mother's Day.
I can't even think about that right now.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Stay at Home Mom Salary
Check out this article in regard to a recent study.
This seemed particularly intriquing:
"To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother's role -- housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive and psychologist."
Sounds about right.
Gotta talk to the boss about a raise.
This seemed particularly intriquing:
"To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother's role -- housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive and psychologist."
Sounds about right.
Gotta talk to the boss about a raise.
