Trying to get my Head on Straight

I know I said I'd post some pictures of camping etc, but I've got to handle this first.

I've been out of sorts lately. Nothing I could put my finger on, but my temper flairs at an instant & I've been snapping at Blixx (Grips, anyone available)all over the place. I get angry when Cass forgets to wash her hands after potty or bugs me for the thousanth time to go outside or whatever. I know all of this yet have been unable to stop myself. I'm tired & cranky all the time, lazier than usual. I've let household stuff slide, which wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't a stay at home mom who's supposed to be on top of this stuff...it's my job. Perhaps all the rain is the problem - stuck inside or struggling to find stuff to do with a 3 yr old is pretty stressful. But overall I've been a collasal bitch to my hubby, my kid and just about anybody I can get my hands on...all for no real reason.

Last night Blixx called me on it. Perhaps it's because he's been working with idiots all week for long hours and not enough money. He's been cranky, and admits it. So, I've cranked right back. For me, it's all specifics. He said this so I reacted. He did that, so I stomped out. For him, it's the general sense of me being not happy with anything that overrides it all and worries/upsets him. He's really really really at whits end here and freaked me right the hell out with the verbal diahreah he spewed forth. He said so many things, so many many things that's wrong.

"I've been working my ASS off, but if no one is happy then what the hell is the point?"

"I'd love to switch jobs with you, it would be nirvana to be able to spend all day with my beautiful daughter"

Both of those got me. I mean, I'm appreciative that he's out there working and I'm here raising Cass and juggling the bills to make ends meet. I guess I'm just not showing it. The small bursts of activity I do just aren't enough. Then again, he's a tough task master and I get really upset when I've had a busy day and done a bunch of domestic stuff (in hopes that he'll notice/be pleased) and he instantly finds the one thing I didn't think of, didn't remember, didn't read his damn mind to know.

My moods reflect his. I'll try to pull myself together before he comes home, but then he'll stomp in & be all pissy...and apparently expect me to still be chipper chearful. I pull back from him and try to interact as little as possible so he won't lash out at me, because he will and I can't take it. He talked a lot about not being able to take my snapping yet in the next breath he's saying "can't I be angry from work? it's not always you" so he's asking for what he's unable to give me.

I didn't sleep a lot last night, mainly due to mulling over the sad state of my marriage, but Cass being up with boogers every couple of hours didn't help. He says he doesn't see me happy. I say he's never home, so how would he know. I haven't seen a lot of him happy either. He says he only see's me happy when Grips is sitting next to me and I'm 3 sheets to the wind.

I'd love to argue that one, but he's right. I drink & stuff way too much, but dammit all if I don't look forward to the after bedtime ritual of sitting my fat ass on the couch and getting my groove on. It's selfish time and I don't get any of that any more. Then again, I'm totally resenting Cass for neeeeeeding me which is the exact opposite of how it should be. She's a gift and I should treasure each and every moment I have with her. I mean, so what if it's each and every moment of every day and she can't go 30 minutes without needing something from me. It's the nature of the beast and my poor attitude makes for her poor attitude so we're at each other's throats...then Blixx gets home and expects June Cleever and gets a big pile of BS.

He says my attitude needs to change. He's right. I couldn't admit it to him last night for fear that I'd loose it or just get mad, which has been my poison of choice. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself when there's really nothing to be sorry about. I've got a wonderful hubby who works hard to provide for us. I get to stay home with my kid and have only the most basic of tasks to perform, yet I still manage to fuck them up.

He said a lot of other stuff to. There was an underlying threat that he can't take being with me in my current state...which leads me to wonder if he's talking about walking out on me. Scary. He also said he was being treated like a friend of ours...passing comment only...but that friend is in the dark about a lot of things in her marriage and what her spouse is doing...I just don't know what to make of that since all my vices are out in the open...so what the hell is he talking about? He think I've got stuff going on outside the marriage, cuz that would really freak me out. We're over that suspicion, I thought. Shit.

I think a lot of it is due to me not paying enough attention to Blixx. Flat out, by the end of the day (which is when he's rolling home)I'm worn out taking care of someone else, so he gets little sympathy. That, and he's ALWAYS tired and working with idiots. It is so rare that he walks in the door with a smile on his face, I can't remember the last time it happened. Ok, don't get me wrong. He sees Cass and he sparkles for her. Perhaps it's just me he doesn't smile for. Shit...what have I been giving him to smile for?

Then there's talking on the phone. Apparently, we can't do it. It seems to me that he's always calling when I'm right in the middle of something, usually a meal. I don't want to chat on the cell phone, especially if he's on his way home and I'm trying to get Cass onto the potty, out of the bath or to learn a new song. Then he gets home and Cass wants all his time, which I generally encourage cuz one less diaper for me to change is perfectly fine for me. We try to talk and she either physicly puts herself in between us or just jumps up & down screaming until we stop trying to communicate at all. I'm burned out from taking care of someone else all day every day - remember selfish old Chynakatt you grew up with and learned to love. Ya well, that's been shelved and while I wouldn't change a thing it's still hard for me to give myself so completely to Cass...then have Blixx want some too. I just don't know if there's enough of me to go around.

Which is completely unfair to Blixx. He says I haven't been listening to him, and he's right. But it's all bitch bitch bitch. Ya I know, he could say right back at ya baby.

I imagine I'll be starting a lot of sentances with "Honey, I'm not mad at you, but I'm really trying to....blah blah....right now."

Perfect example of how OFF we are:
It's Wednesday night at 11:30pm. Grips is here and we 3 are hanging out getting our groove on, as usual. I know that Blixx has to be up at 5:30am to be at work in Boston at 7. I have 2 options, neither of which has been correct. I've reminded him of his responsibility and suggested that we call it a night. This is met with resistance on both of their parts and I'm told to relax. Grips even pointed out that I was the only one worried about Blixx's schedule so I needed to settle down. Ok, so then the other night it's getting to be midnight and while I'm worried about Blixx not getting enough sleep, I keep it to myself. We get to bed at 1am ish, when Blixx gets all huffy and mad that he will only get 4 hours sleep. No, he wasn't blaming me, but I went ahead and blamed myself. I later brought up the situation and asked him what I should have done. "Well maybe we shouldn't hang out drinking every night."

Ok, well then speak up and let me know what you want to do. Grips is here almost every night. His wife goes to sleep at 9, which is just when he's getting going so he comes here and we watch stupid tv and tell the same old stories over & over again. I don't mind Grips being here, if we have no plans for anything else. He's a funny dude and it's easier for Blixx & I to ignore the pink elephant in the room when he's here. I think both Blixx & I are waiting for the other to be all like 'Honey, lets spend some qt together." Blixx will tell me to tell Grips that we're not hanging out, usually cuz he's so overtired he just can't take it, or he has an EARLY call time or something about work. Blixx puts me in the position of telling Grips that he's on his own for the night, which makes him pissy. I'll tell Grips that we're not hanging if I want to spend time with Blixx probably like 3 times a month. Apparently I need to do more of that.

I need Blixx to believe that I want to spend time with him, to listen to him and give him what he needs. Yes, I phrased that correctly. I don't know what I really want, other than for Blixx to believe. We've always had our problems and I am tired of going over the same old ground time and again. Of course, financially we can't divorce. And Cass would be crushed - she already keeps me up crying if she can't have Daddy put her to bed. I want to listen, I just don't want to listen to the same old shit.

Is it that I'm bored? Yeah, with a lot of things.

Ok, so change it up!

Hmmm what to keep, and what to throw away?

I'm gunna let all this sit for a while, and read it later on, after I've had more coffee and more time to think, then figure out what I'm gunna tell Blixx later on. Blixx told me to fgo talk to someone. I'm talking to you, and myself. I need some perspective.