Death in the Family

My Aunt Gail, my mom's sister, past away this week. She was almost 60 and had lived her life in a wheelchair, due to a spinal disease that rendered her legs useless. My mother called hysterical to tell me this news, & about how she is attending the memorial in Maryland next week, and wants to say a few words.

Ok, here's the thing. Gail had a temper and would mouth off all the time to my grandmother. They had a HUGE fight like 15 years ago and Nanny told her to never talk to her again. So she didn't. Being stubborn runs in the family too. My mom & my aunt cut off contact as well. Gail was very active with the Salvation Army, as they had done a great job of raising her & making her more able bodied. Thru them she had many friends, one of whom invited her to move to Baltimore with his family. She did & has lived there quite happily ever since, having no contact with our family. After Nanny passed, Gail made some calls to try to contact my mom & Alice, both directly & through the lawyers but they kept their distance, fearing that she would contest the will (Which left her nothing).

After all this time my mother is beside herself, probably guilt ridden that she didn't make contact sooner. I think its hypocritical for her to speak at the service, as she really made no effort to be a part of her sisters life these last years. It's empty sentiment years too late.

Please raise a glass of choice beverage to my aunt Gail, who was stronger than any of us will ever be, just by getting out of bed in the morning.

Camping!!!

We're camping Memorial Day weekend at Tolland State Park in East Otis Ma, out in the Berkshires. I am so totally psyched to camp I am bouncing up & down. It's been way too long since I've been able to put my feet up round the fire and relax.

I was all psyched to bring my new car, but alas the roof rack isn't sturdy enough for the canoe so it seems we'll be all jammed in to the Jeep. Blixx was talking about maybe bringing two cars but I think that's a little overboard. Besides, I don't want to drive out there by myself. Then again, it could be a relaxing ride. Whatever, there are still plenty of things left to be decided.

Blixx has been working pretty much non-stop since returning from Colorodo, which is good for the bank account but stressful for us. He's used to being the big plan man for camping, & I've had to take on a bit of that responsibility. I told him that I'd take care of the food, which is usually definately his and only his job, so I ordered up a while bunch of Omaha Steaks and whatnot. It will all be prepackaged and delicious. I also went out & got us a screen house, which he says is too small but I beg to differ. I've been pulling all of our gear out from the basement and getting it together - we are bringing only what we absolutely need and not one thing more.

Traveling with Cass is going to be interesting. This will be her first camp adventure and I'm curious to see how she'll do. She's been sick this past week and I've got my fingers crossed that she's all better before we leave, or this whole thing could blow up in our faces. She has a cold, with a scratchy throat & a cough that comes deep from her little baby toes. Poor dear cries after she coughs becasue it hurts. I've got her heavily medicated and she's looking better already today, so I think we'll be in the clear. The weather report is looking pretty good too.

I'm off to go make lists and lists of things we need (tent...duh) and maximize my time while Cass sleeps off her illnes. I figure I've got an hour or so before she wakes up from her nap.

NO MORE SHOTS!!! alt title: OW MY STINKIN HEAD!!

I've really got to stop this bullshit. I went out last night to Vincent's with Grips & Beano and proceeded to get shitfaced...again. I'm a 3 beer kind of girl...yet I had 4 beers & a couple shots. It's like a race - how to get hammered as soon as possible, like I'm never going to be able to go out ever again. I tell myself that I'm not going to do it, then whamo I'm closing down the joint, after Blixx was clear that he wanted me home earlier rather than later.

I'm running away from my responsibilities & using the booze as an excelerant. I get all sloppy & drive home, which is horrible. I should be more responsible - I've got a baby to take care of & I need to quit putting her out of my mind, even for a minute. I need to find a way to go out & have fun, without putting my life in jeapordy.

Cass was awake when I got home, which means Blixx didn't get more than 4 hours of sleep before he had to work all day today. I heard her & came running, but Blixx was already in her room. I don't think he wanted my drunk ass handling the baby. God, how horrible is that? What the hell kind of mother am I?

He was in a piss poor mood when he arrived last night, nit picking & grumpy, so I can only imagine what I have in store for me this evening. He asked me to promise not to smoke any cigs while I was out & I blew that too. I complain that we're not communicating, meanwhile I'm running away like a petulant child.

No more shots. I'm staying away from the hard stuff for a good long time because it leads to nothing but trouble. And I don't think I'll be going out again for a while - let things cool down a bit before suggesting a night on the town. Let this self loathing settle down before going another round.

Man, I'm disapointed in myself.

Bitches...

Tempest & Jacknife are off on their grand adventure. I am very very envious of them, right now. It's put me in a decidedly grumpy mood just thinking about it.

Bitches...

Quiet Waters run deep

Rather than keep being mad at Blixx without him having a clue why, I decided to ask for what I wanted, which was a day off. I was mad that he didn't offer, but rather than sit around & be pissed I asked him to take Cass off for the day or whatever, & I took off. It was totally the right decision - he got a clue what was going on in my head & I got what I wanted, which was OUT.

I borrowed Teacher's kayak & headed off to Rutland State Park for a few hours of fun in the sun. It was heavenly. While loading the boat in the AM it was raining and I almost scrapped the whole idea, but I decided that I wouldn't have a chance to take off on my own for a while & to go for it. I actually felt guilty for not staying home & cleaning/laundry/whatever that needed doing...screw that! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME time. I always forget that it's ok to pamper myself every now & again.

Boy, did I need that. It was so peaceful on the water...birds chirping, turtles sunning themselves everywhere, fish all over the place. I needed to be alone with no one to worry about except myself. Even the voices in my head quieted down so I could relax.

Ok, so I got a sunburn & my arms are killing me from paddling to hard, & so I scratched my new car getting the boat loaded. It was still worth it.

On Saturday Cass went out in the canoe with us for the first time and was awesome. She didn't fuss, except when we put sun lotion on her. Other than that, she just layed back in my arms and took it all in stride. She's so wonderful to travel with. We went to Buffumville Lake & paddled out to an island to have a picnic lunch. It was a wonderful day. She even took a nap in the sun on the paddle back to the dock. We topped it off by playing miniature golf. The only thing that could have made it perfect would have been to get icecream, but it was already late so we had to go home.

Don't think I haven't been pondering Tempest & Jacknife's cruise. Oh yes, I am green with envy. I shoulda said FIT and bought a ticket. Damn it, I'm a dumbass. Seriously, I just wish we could have swung me being able to go. But, Blixx is working all week & that is a very good thing for us. Unfortunately, that leaves me on FT Cass duty, & it means that I can't go out this Tuesday night, cuz he'll be working late.

Music baby

With the cd player in my car, I'm able to visit strange places in my head with the push of a button. I've always loved this song & some days it speaks to me more than others.

Just Wait

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you were alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home


Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And you appetit for pain might all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to you face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

Broken

I broke the shower massager while Blixx was in Colorodo. It would only work on the super pulse...just the way I like it.

He was on to me in a second, and after a nice hearty laugh between us we went to Home Depot & picked out a replacement.

Stand Down

I've definately chilled out since Blixx has come home, and that is awesome news. Looking back, I was really off the deep end there for a while. Thanks to those who listened.

I'm fine as long as I'm not in my own head poking around, looking for trouble. I am the queen of overanalyzing and obsessing. Give me something little and I'll tear it apart until I turn it all around. Give me something big and damn, hold on to your hat. It's all I can do to function some days, with all the screaming and panic going on in my head. Seriously, there's a lot going on.

But, our communication has been better since he's been home & we've managed some quality time that I will remember for a while, so it's all good there.

I'm just a wacko.

He's back & I'm better

Blixx has returned from his adventure unscathed and I am all the better for it. He had a wonderful time - I'll probably post some pictures one of these days.

I was a little on edge there for a while. Irrational fears like "will he still love me when he gets back?" & "is he the same man I fell in love with?"

What it boils down to is that nothing has changed by him going or returning. It's all just the same and it is what it is.

I'm really glad that he's home with us.

Late Night Epiphany

I need to open my mouth and make myself heard. I need to keep at it until we're on the same page. I will work to make myself understood, and put in the same effort in trying to understand other's points of view.

I am barely responsible to my own mental state, let alone someone elses. I can't fix anyone but myself. I can just listen and try to understand.

It's not a competition. It's all about teamwork. Everone gets a turn at the good the bad & the ugly. We all work very hard at what we do. We just need to be sure that we have the same goals.

Cass comes first, no matter what so we need to keep our shit together. Period. We need to set a good example and give her everything she needs to be happy and healthy in mind & body. We are in it for the long haul and it's only going to be more difficult. Face it head on and embrace the challenge. It will never be about just me ever again.

I can't just give as I get. I've got to rise to the occasion & give my best to all. I need to give second chances.

I am a strong independant woman, but sometimes I need to feel that I'm being taken care of. I need security to build trust, in myself and in others. I need to be able to stop worrying and relax back, knowing that its ok. I can't be too proud to ask for help when I need it.

I need to get emotional sometimes. I need to let go of the anger and resentment before it eats me alive. I need to feel joy.

We all have our monsters to deal with. No one is perfect. I'm not the only one who can't sleep tonight.

It is ok that people love me. I am worthy.

Family are those who love you without judgement. Those who support you no matter what. They dont have to be blood relatives to be held close to the heart. Accept them for who they are.

Overthinking

I've had a lot of time to think while Blixx has been on his grand adventure and I've got to really make some changes in my life to make myself happy. And I can't wait for someone else to tell me it's ok.

That's ok, right?