Per Tempest's Request:

Tempest is doing some research & asked for the following information:

Your top five most romantic movies:
1) LadyHawke
2) Romancing the Stone
3) Moonstruck
4) Krull
5) The Princess Bride
*disclamer - there are plenty of classic movies out there that fit the bill nicely, however I chose a more modern aspect. Don't think that I'm dissing Casablanca or anything like that!

Your top five best on-screen kisses:
1) Ladyhawke - Rutger Hauer & Michelle Phiffer
2) Cruel Intentions - Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair
3) Bound - Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly
4) Breakfast Club - Judd Nelson & Molly Ringwald
5) Wild Things - Neve Cambell, Matt Dillon & that other chick

Top Five Romantic Songs:
1) Dave Matthews Band "Where are you Going?"
2) Dido - "Here With Me"
3) Lenny Kravitz - "I Belong to You"
4) Toni Braxton "Unbreak my Heart"
5) Peter Gabriel "In Your Eyes"

Top five things you do when you flirt:
There really aren't five to mention. I guess eye contact is a big thing, with a smile & maybe a blush. Yeah, that would get the message across. Footsie works...or maybe I should say the accidental touch, a brush of an arm or whatever that sets the skin tingling.

Top five things that you like the opposite sex to do when they flirt with you.
see above

Cassidy's Big Day

Cass turns 1 year old today. I think we're going to go get her a walker toy today as a gift. Shhh don't tell her.

We're having a big party for her on Saturday. You're all invited. I've been running around like a loon trying to get the house & yard ready for the big event. I mean, I almost forgot to order the cake, can you believe it? Most of the party will be outside, but it's a great excuse to clean up the place, especially the upstairs. I keep downstairs looking good, for the most part, then we crap all over the office & our bedrooms constantly. It's ridiculous.

Sunday is fathers day & we're going to a BBQ over at Grips. Flyboy, D & baby Q will be there too. I'm so psyched to meet the little guy. I got Blixx a HUGE picnic table for his first gift, but Cass insisted that I pick him up something else too. He'll be psyched! Its something he's been wanting for a while. I've still got to pick up some gifts for the other fathers that I know, just something small to let them know we care.

My lot in life

I guess is cuz I asked for it that I'm so damn mad at myself. It's not just that I didn't go out last night cuz Blixx was sick. I mean, he can't help being sick, right? And he tried real hard when Cass was up crying. It's just that there were a lot of people to take care of yesterday & none of them were me.

When is my time? When do I get to be alone? When do I get taken care of?

Blixx is encouraging me to take a few days. He's worried about me & rightly so. I'm all over the place again. My highs are too high & my lows are way down low. He wants me to get away but I just don't know where to go or what to do. I'd be on my own, since all my friends have work or are broke or have families they have to take care of. I'd go see SherBear in FL but she's got a rug rat of her own so it would be trading one crying baby for another. Might as well bring Cass with me if I go there.

I don't know what I want any more. I thought it was to be a stay at home mom. I thought I'd be ok with it, but the lonliness is taking it's toll. I've never been a carreer girl but I'm thinking maybe getting a PT job will do me some good, get me out of the house & let me feel like I'm contributing. But then theres the guilt of leaving her in daycare. And the added pressure a job would bring. Do I really need someone else to answer to?

My friend asked me if I was running away. Yeah, I'd love to. But as he pointed out you can't get away from your own head.

Today I am...

Today I am
A small blue thing
Like a marble
Or an eye

With my knees against my mouth
I am perfectly round
I am watching you

I am cold against your skin
You are perfectly reflected
I am lost inside your pocket
I am lost against
Your fingers

I am falling down the stairs
I am skipping on the sidewalk
I am thrown against the sky

I am raining down in pieces
I am scattering like light
Scattering like light
Scattering like light

Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass

I am cool and smooth and curious
I never blink
I am turning in your hand
Turning in your hand
Small blue thing

*********************************

You ever feel like you've given up? Like you wake up & all of a sudden you realize you've been walking through your life as if it were a dream? A really mundane dream.

I'm feeling really emotionally detached lately. Hard to explain any other way, I'm just not fully 'in the moment.' It's probably all the diapers & unspecific needs from Cass wearing me down. It's probably the relative isolation of being a stay at home mom.

Lord knows that Blixx has been doing everything in his power to make me happy. He's working tons lately, which brings the bucks rolling in. He's been working on the yard & doing stuff around the house when he can. He plays with Cass when he comes home & gives me a little much needed break. He let me sleep in the other morning until 10am, & wouldn't have woken me except I'd invited a bunch of friends over to the house & it was a stye. He has been a prolific, attentive & creative lover. I see how hard he's trying & I'm still sad.

I've got to snap out of this funk I'm in. He's doing everything right, everything I thought I wanted. I thought it was him, but it must be me.

Caught a life there for a second

Yesterday was a super busy day, by my standards. I drove to meet Tempest (alas Jacknife & BoogieShoes couldn't make it) at the WestFarms Mall in Ct for lunch. We were going to eat at the Rainforest Cafe but little Cass had other ideas. She flipped her lid - total sensory overload. I think the moving gorilla right next to the table pushed her over the brink. So we relocated to the California Pizza kitchen & had a lovely lunch there instead.

We then went on a smelly wiffy binge that took us not only to Yankee Candle, but to Bath & Bodyworks too. Woo Hoo on the clearence sale there. Yeah Haw! My house smells less like ass than it has in a while. :)

It was great to see Tempest & we've decided to meet up for lunch or whatever at least once a month. She looks terrific & I'm terribly jealous over the pictures of the cruise.

After being stuck in traffic in Hartford (what was I thinking leaving at 5pm?!?) I popped by my house briefly to pick up a very tired Blixx, then off we went to Toad's house for dinner. We were supposed to have a slide show of Colorodo pics, but as usual dinner was at a late hour & we ran out of time. Birdgirl & I departed at around 10 to meet up with Grips et al at Ralphs for (more than a) few pops. We closed the place down & when I got home at 2am Blixx was passed out on the couch. He was waiting up for me, the sweetie. I really wish he could sleep without me being around. It would make me less guilty for going out so late with my friends. I met some new folks & talked about things not related to babies & had an all around lovely evening.

Needless to say, when Cass awoke at 630am, I was dead dog tired & really happy that she went back to sleep until 9am. I was bushed.

Today Cass & I went pricing a picnic table & purchased a badmitton/volleyball net, which I can't wait to try out. I also picked up a blow up pool for Cass in the backyard, which should be a hoot. It's got all sorts of areas & a slide. Heck, on a hot day like today I would certainly be in it with her. Unfortunately, we were delayed shopping so I didn't have time to get it up for her today.

It occurs to me that Cass's birthday party is rapidly approaching & I have a great deal to do if I'm going to have all those people over to the house. I'll need the office to be in good shape, since it's the guest room & I'll have guests! Yikes! Paper plates! Burger meat - how many burgers do I need? Where shall I get the cake from? Crap lots to do. Then there's father's day.

From the mouths of babes...

How do you answer a 4 yr old when she asks "Auntie Chynakatt, what does a C-section feel like?"

Grips brother Flyboy & his girlfriend D had a baby boy yesterday. His name is Quint & he was 10lbs 4oz. Nope, that's not a typo. Big baby boy! She was in labor for like 28 hours & had all sorts of problems, so they finally had to give her a c-section. She even had to be put out on general anesthesia for the operation - we're not sure why. In any case, baby is fine, although he's in ICU to monitor for possible infection, as mom got some sort of uterine infection. The poor girl - she'd wanted to go all natural birth & she probably couldn't have gotten any farther from it. But toast to the new little man in the world & keep fingers crossed that all will go well for mom & babe in the next few days.

V was concerned about her auntie D & thought to ask me about it, as her mom explained that I'd had a c-section & that Cass & I were both fine. That kid floors me with her insight.

Add this to the epiphany list

I need to spend less time worrying about what I don't have, but rather use that time to be thankful for what I do have.

Cassidy Camping Pictures

Click to check out a few choice shots from our recent trip. More to be posted soon.
All photos by Grips.

Cassidy Camping

My little girl is wonderful! She had a ton of fun camping. The first night in the tent was rough, probably due to the wind noise, but after that she slept like a log through the nights. She crawled around & ate what I'm sure is a ridiculous amount of dirt & pine needles.

She hung out in the playpen with little J, Dougma & Callista's 7 month old, or just followed us around crawling fast as she can.

Grip's daughter V even earned some money taking care of her. She wants very much to be a big sister & asked politely if she could hold Cass, so I said yes. She picked her up & carried her like a champ! It was precious! V played the harmonica for Cass, who started dancing even.

We are so close to walking! She managed to stand up on her own, without support of any kind, twice!

I'll be posting pictures of our adventures shortly.

Memorial Day Camp Adventure

Friday AM: We eat breakfast, shower, bath the baby...and it's before 10am! We actually got on the road to start our journey at noon, which is an amazing feat. We're never this together. We keep thinking that we've forgotten something. It's raining, but the forcast says it's going to clear. Grips is about 1 hour ahead of us & calls to say that he's in clear weather.

Friday Afternoon: We arrive & begin to set up camp. Our site is right on the water & beautiful! Cass has slept the whole trip out there so she's ready to rock & roll. As Blixx is setting up our new screanhouse, a black cloud comes overhead. I hear "Get up to Grips' camp now. RUN!" I grab Cass & head up the hill, just in time to duck my head in their already built screanhouse before it starts to POUR. It was a quick shower, but intense. Blixx refused to give in to the weather gods & remained out in the wind & rain setting up our camp. What a provider!

Friday Evening: Camp got set up without further incident. There's no more rain, but it's windy as hell at our site, so we migrate to Grip's site to cook dinner & hang out before bedtimes. Grips wife Red (formerly Teacher) made an amazing pasta sause so we all ate that until we were ready to pop. Then came the smores. MMMMMmmmmmm.

Friday Late Night: After putting Cass & Victoria to bed, the real party began. I'd brought a magnum of champagne to celebrate the start of the family camping season & it was awesome! We passed it around, while still drinking beers & smoking whatever was handy. It ended up being me & the boys drinkin late night which is fine by me. DrJim & HighOctane both retired early for the evening, as did Birdgirl. I ended up being the last one out at the fire, making sure it was safe for the night. Still windy, it was beautiful & quiet & peaceful. Of course, Cass woke in the night & was a little freaked that we were outside, but she settled into our armpits & got some rest, finally. I was all shitty, as it was Blixx's night to 'deal' with Cass, but I helped out anyway. He took her to the Jeep to settle her down, then was all like where were you...I was passing out in the tent, dude. Duh!

Saturday: After a huge breakfast, we ate a huge lunch. Then the boys went kayaking (too windy for the canoe, dammit)& we ladies took long naps with our little ones. After naptime, it was our turn to cook so Blixx broke out with the swordfish stirfry & we ate until we were ready to pop, again. Then smores, again. Tadpole & his family came to visit, as well as some of Grip's friends from church. As we're eating dinner, a Ranger comes by to ask us if we'd seen a little girl who was missing from camp. Nope, but we'd give a look around.

Here's where the drama starts. It seems that when the Ranger had stopped at Toad's site, he'd seen the big box of booze & told them it had to be dumped out, as there's a no booze rule at state camp grounds. DrJim gave him some crap, but the Ranger moved on to look for the kid. Later that same evening, another Ranger stopped at their site to verify the empty bottles. Problem is that DrJim (shitfaced already at like 9pm) had just put the box in his car & kept drinking. He mouthed off to the Rangers saying if they were going to keep giving him shit, he'd just drive off if that's what they wanted. I could hear him yelling to the Rangers. His wife is no help either, being that she was hammered as well & trying to negotiate over the booze. Toad was just keeping his head down & stash hidden.

A little while later, the actual police arrive to interview DrJim. He was still lit up & still a loud mouth drunk & still obnoxios to the cops. They were called cuz he had threatened to drive intoxicated. What a fricking fiasco. No arrest was made, thank god, but it was a horrible scene. We all stayed at our sites with our kids, keeping watch with fingers crossed.

Saturday late night: After the kids went to bed, the party was supposed to move to Toad's site, as they had all sorts of cocktails planned. I was a little bummed, as I had to stay at our site to hear the baby, but I figured I'd make a fire & just chill. I also figured that the boys would come visit every now & again. So off they all went. I didn't even have time to get the fire going to my liking, when Blixx & Grips returned saying that DrJim was out of control & that they just wanted some mellow. Cool by me. We did what we do everynight around here, we drank & smoked & told bs stories until late into the evening.

Sunday morning, before coffee: I'm sleeping soundly, baby tucked in my armpit, when I hear "Good Morning! Rangers! I need to speak with Chynakatt, please!" I crawl out of the tent, bleery eyed. You see, the camp site that Toad was staying on had been reserved in my name. He had been out of town when it became available & we knew that we all wanted to camp together, so I just went ahaed & reserved it for him. After all of the drama of the night before, it didn't even occur to me that I could be screwed in any way. Well, it seems I could have been held responsible.
I was totally cool with the Ranger as he explaned that Toad, Birdgirl, DrJim & HighOctane were being asked to leave immediately. I told the Ranger that I completely understood, however I wasn't involved in the drama as I have an 11 month old who I was taking care of. I think I also got points for interupting his tale to ask if the little girl had been found (yep). He said we could be evicted as well and wanted to know if we had any alchohol over on our site. I was honest & said we had some beers. I was counting on the fact that we hadn't restocked to cooler & woo hoo I was right, only 6 in there so I pulled them out for the Ranger. I just told him that we were here with kids & after they went to bed we sat around & had a few beers quietly. He thanked me for being honest & said that we could stay & that he wouldn't fine me for being the person who's name was on the idiots site, or for having beers. He also said he'd be watching us for the rest of our stay & that if he had to come out for any problems, we'd be out on our asses as well. Roger that.

Disaster averted.

DrJim gave a weak apology to Blixx. HighOctane actually tried to defend DrJim to me, to which I held up my hand & walked away. I am so done with those two. They have problems with their marriage, are both going through midlife crisis & bring all this harsh energy to the table when we really just want to relax. It was a shame that Birdgirl & Toad had to leave as well, but since they were the idiots who invited DrJim in the first place, I suppose it was fitting.

Sunday afternoon: I got some coffee, which was excellent. We ate & ate & then ate some more, then we ladies headed out on a kayak adventure. Red, Callista & I piled into the boats and went for a nice long trip around the campground & down to the boat launch. There were a lot of powerboats out on the water, so the wakes were intense to paddle over. Very much like the ocean. Callista isn't an accomplished paddler, but she held her own. Red was having the time of her life playing in the waves - she was like a little kid, & it was wonderful to see her that relaxed. We ate some more when we came back, then it was kids to bed.

Sunday Late Night: The only difference was that we poured our beers into cups and had empty ginger ale cans as props in case the Rangers stopped by. They never stopped, but they dir several drive bys to check on us. Blixx, Dougma & Grips went out on a late night kayak trip & I was so jealous, as the wind had died down & the water was like glass. It was so beautiful. There was some sort of a dance at the private camp ground across the way, so we could hear music drifting across the lake...then they had fireworks! I LOVE FIREWORKS!! I stayed behind at camp & had a huge bonfire by myself & ate like 10 marshmellows & enjoyed the solitude. After the boys left Blixx & I watched the moon set & had a little fun of our own, wink wink nudge nudge.

Monday: We packed up & left. We all stopped for breakfast then headed home. We were going to stop & try to paddle a bit on the way home, but the weather started to look grim so we said eff it and went home. Man o Man I was psyched to see my home shower & kitty cats. I had a ton of fun, but it was good to be home.