My lot in life

I guess is cuz I asked for it that I'm so damn mad at myself. It's not just that I didn't go out last night cuz Blixx was sick. I mean, he can't help being sick, right? And he tried real hard when Cass was up crying. It's just that there were a lot of people to take care of yesterday & none of them were me.

When is my time? When do I get to be alone? When do I get taken care of?

Blixx is encouraging me to take a few days. He's worried about me & rightly so. I'm all over the place again. My highs are too high & my lows are way down low. He wants me to get away but I just don't know where to go or what to do. I'd be on my own, since all my friends have work or are broke or have families they have to take care of. I'd go see SherBear in FL but she's got a rug rat of her own so it would be trading one crying baby for another. Might as well bring Cass with me if I go there.

I don't know what I want any more. I thought it was to be a stay at home mom. I thought I'd be ok with it, but the lonliness is taking it's toll. I've never been a carreer girl but I'm thinking maybe getting a PT job will do me some good, get me out of the house & let me feel like I'm contributing. But then theres the guilt of leaving her in daycare. And the added pressure a job would bring. Do I really need someone else to answer to?

My friend asked me if I was running away. Yeah, I'd love to. But as he pointed out you can't get away from your own head.