Today I am...

Today I am
A small blue thing
Like a marble
Or an eye

With my knees against my mouth
I am perfectly round
I am watching you

I am cold against your skin
You are perfectly reflected
I am lost inside your pocket
I am lost against
Your fingers

I am falling down the stairs
I am skipping on the sidewalk
I am thrown against the sky

I am raining down in pieces
I am scattering like light
Scattering like light
Scattering like light

Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass

I am cool and smooth and curious
I never blink
I am turning in your hand
Turning in your hand
Small blue thing

*********************************

You ever feel like you've given up? Like you wake up & all of a sudden you realize you've been walking through your life as if it were a dream? A really mundane dream.

I'm feeling really emotionally detached lately. Hard to explain any other way, I'm just not fully 'in the moment.' It's probably all the diapers & unspecific needs from Cass wearing me down. It's probably the relative isolation of being a stay at home mom.

Lord knows that Blixx has been doing everything in his power to make me happy. He's working tons lately, which brings the bucks rolling in. He's been working on the yard & doing stuff around the house when he can. He plays with Cass when he comes home & gives me a little much needed break. He let me sleep in the other morning until 10am, & wouldn't have woken me except I'd invited a bunch of friends over to the house & it was a stye. He has been a prolific, attentive & creative lover. I see how hard he's trying & I'm still sad.

I've got to snap out of this funk I'm in. He's doing everything right, everything I thought I wanted. I thought it was him, but it must be me.