What a total shitfest today has been so far. Blixx went off to Acadia with Toad this morning. His parting words to me were about how I’d been laying on the guilt that he’s going. I haven’t said a fucking word, other than I wish I were going! Yes, I’ve got issues that the vacation that we’d planned as a fun get-away turned into HIS vacation. I LOVE Acadia and had looked forward to going, but whatever. He needs his time away to regroup, fine. I get that. I think it will be good for me to be alone in the house for a few days too. It’s been all about him for so many weeks now that maybe just maybe I’ll be able to get the feeling that it’s about me and what I need for a change.

I was late getting to work again today so Dino decided to have a chat with me about it. I get stuck in traffic every day so now I’m going to have to leave my house before 8am just to be sure I’m here in time to start my lousy ass job on time. He’s all like “I’m flexible, but really…” He wasn’t being very nice at all and speaking to me in a condescending tone that I took all the wrong way. He again went over how I made the decision to let my team (term used loosely here) leave at 5pm on Friday. Frickin other manager ratted me out so BigBen is on my shitlist. I tool 100% responsibility so he can’t go after the other two, but he’s all disappointed with me and the decisions I make. F him! I don’t get to make any decisions…I get no respect from SR Inbound management or from the two idiots I have working with me! I can’t make decisions without asking first, so tell me why they even need a SR Administrator in the first place?! They don’t – so my job is vulnerable. Hell, if I really put my mind to it I could realign our duties and save the company thousands my eliminating out jobs all together. If I thought there was someplace else for me to go, I sure would. Lay me off then, because I’m not going anywhere and I’m sick of being given shit jobs and no respect and getting talked to like I’m an idiot from this looser who has less management experience than I do.

After the chat about my lack of responsibility, I go to a meeting to plan the 2003 sales conference and I find that some of my ideas are being used and that I’m getting major kudos from the rest of the Administrators here at the company for my quick thinking and problem solving techniques! I guess my outspoken nature pays off somewhere because they all loved my revisions to the awards schedule and are planning on having a carnival on one of the evenings with bungee runs, Velcro walls etc, which is something I suggested rather than the DJ that no one goes to listen to. So after being treated like a child who’s taken one too many cookies, I get major props for my ideas. What a place, this company is. I’ve just got to get out of this department to maybe get a chance to go somewhere that I can use my brain.

Now I’m back at my desk where I have the option to either stuff envelopes with sales collateral or enter leads into our database. No thought required for either task. It hit me the other day how bizarre it is that I’m not enjoying my job because I’m getting paid too much to do too little. Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted? In looking for other positions, I find it difficult to get the same compensation that I make here and that kills me, because it’s not like I’m making a fortune doing what I’m doing. Most administrative type jobs in MA are paying in the high 20’s right now, and that would be a significant pay cut and a real problem. I could get what I’m making now with a Customer Service job, but then I’d have to listen to people complain all day. I remember the hell I had at my previous job and don’t think I could deal with the stress there. I look in other areas, but there are so many other qualified folks out there looking for work that I really don’t have an opportunity to even pitch myself as a hard worker & quick learner.

I’m just going to try to hold on to that feeling of respect I got from the meeting and hope that I can get through the day in one piece. I’m so emotionally frayed that I feel like I’ll burst out crying at the drop of a hat, so I’ll keep my head down and enter some more leads like a good little trained monkey.