We pause our scheduled programing for this emergency Rant.

Why can’t we talk to each other any more? Is it lack of sleep, or something more sinister? You say no sarcasm…well that’s my best defense! Defense against what, you ask? I defend against the overwhelming emotions welling up inside of me – joy, doubt, excitement, fear…all rapid fire & coming on with no warning. How am I doing? I’m on a roller coaster traveling at light speed from good to bad, high to low and there’s no safety net. There is no synergy right now. We aren’t working toward the same goals – or perhaps we are, but we haven’t yet discussed what those goals ARE. I mention something that needs to get done & either you can’t hear it right now or it’s all ‘yeah yeah don’t worry about it.’ We try to talk and you end up telling me what I can and can’t say and what tones I can or can’t use.
Today on the phone you said that you were happy in our home now because I wasn’t there and you could do your own thing. That cut right through me! You asked if I was happy last night to be able to just jump into the kitchen cleaning project on my own. No, I wasn’t. I was wishing you were there to help me and talk with me and laugh with me and plan with me and play with me. Instead, I was lonely and sad and crying. OK?
I had this dream that we’d be side by side working on different projects around the house together, laughing and talking and planning for the future. Not once since you carried me over the threshold have I felt that we were on the same emotional page. It doesn’t help that you don’t sleep in our bed any more. Not once since we moved in have I fallen asleep next to you and woken with you at my side. It is just another sign of the separation I’m feeling.
It’s not all you. I’m really task oriented, constantly making lists in an attempt to organize myself. My emotions, fueled by mother nature’s cruel curse are on edge and I can barely let myself Be. But we have to Be together and Be loving and Be listening and Be talking with each other.
By the time you read this I’ll either be over it or be upset about something else, but damn it we’ve got to start working together and talking to each other. I’m sad and angry that it isn’t like I’d always imagined it to be and upset that I don’t know how to fix it.