Christmas Eve Ponder

So much of the time I'm frustrated because I don't have any time alone, where no one is bothering me, no one NEEDING anything.
Here it is Christmas eve and I all I want is some companionship. Cass is snoring away, awaiting the treasure trove of gifts under the tree. I know she got good stuff, cuz I bought it all for her. I wrapped it too - or I will anyway. I sit here in the land of self-pity (with a healthy glass of wine)taking a break from the sea of gifts that still need wrapping.
Blixx is sick. He's tired and achy (what else is new)with a sore throat. You'd think the world were coming to an end how he moped and slithered around, trying to 'help' until I sent him upstairs for fear that I'd unleash my inner Grinch on his ass and ruin Christmas. He slept until noon, watched football, ate dinner out, took a nap...I guess I'd feel bad for him if he'd DONE anything today.
See, that's the thing. I have this picture in my head of this idealic Christmas, filled with mulled cider, carols and companionship. I just feel like I've been working my ass off and for what?! This empty feeling?
Ok, so if Blixx had wrapped some gifts while I was out delivering Christmas cheer this afternoon, I could have been done with all this crap and out with my friends. Instead, I got so frustrated that when the friends called, I snapped like a dry twig cuz they were someone to yell at. I've got this frustration and anxiety building up inside me and no outlet. So here's a smart decision, piss off those who reach out. Nice one.
I thought I wanted to be left alone to have an entire thought without interruption. Looks like that ain't what it's cracked up to be either.
Heading off to the presents now. The house cleaning will just have to wait. As long as Cass can make a beeline for the tree and her gifts, I'll be happy. Anything else is just BS anyway.Christmas is all about family and I'll do what I can to keep it together to take care of mine.
Thanks for listening. Better now.

Get my head out of my ass

I haven't blogged in a while. Life gets busy and I just don't get a whole lot of time to sit down and reflect on it. Also, some comments made here ended up biting me in the ass, so I guess my outlet for emotional purging had to take a little nap.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and Christmas is breathing down my neck. I find it amusing that the holidays are so closely connected, when really they are polar opposites. Be thankful for all you have...then get your ass to the mall to BUY BUY BUY all the things you 'need.'

Anyway the year has been a wild ride. I have some good friends to lean on, even if I have to lean way to often. I do get the impression that I'm a broken record. It's all just the same shit different day.

I've got some serious resolutions to make in the new year to get my shit together and make myself happy. Waiting around for some one or thing to do it for me hasn't worked out so far.

Pictures

This was from way back at the Spencer Fair in September, but I just love how peaceful the girls look. At $5 a pop for face painting, it was steep but the artwork was terrific.

This was taken 2 Sundays ago, during a cookie making frenzy. We're raising quite the Pat's fan. Next time you see her, ask her who her favorite Patriot is and why. Prepare to laugh your head off.

The weather in New England has been unseasonably warm of late. This was taken on a woods walk in late November, near the Worcester airport. We try to get out as much as possible.


The mall now has a carosel in the food court...so it costs me $3 more to go to the mall now. Cass loves it though so it's a small price to pay.

Rocky Horror Halloween in CT

LOST

Take the quiz:
Which LOST character are you?

Claire
You are Claire You are very sweet, but you carry the spawn of Satan.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Catch Up

Well, I'm back at the radio station today, which is why I have a moment to post here. What have I been up to? Hmmmmm.
The month of August completely got the best of me - it just flew by. Blixx has been working like a madman. I've been chasing Cass. She's getting so big & the other day she wrote the letters C & A!! She's turned some corner & is much more graceful & able to climb (arg!); she hears everything we say & asks questions if we're talking in code & has generally blossomed.
Blixx & I have our ups & downs but for the most part are staying the course. We're being more up front with each other & trying desperately not to let the little things get us down, but damn sometimes it's difficult. I guess that's what marriage is all about.
Labor Day weekend....Friday night Blixx worked late & went out for drinks after work, so Grips & I got an early start & yikes, I was more than a bit tipsy. We were supposed to go to the Spencer Fair on Saturday, but the weather didn't look too hot so we skipped it & went to dinner at Grips instead. Sunday was a complete rain out (woo hoo on us not getting our shit together for camp reservations!. Cass got up earlier than usual, at around 7:30am, and had an attitude so it was a rough morning all around. I'd been feeling run down for a few days so when Blixx got up at around 10:30am I just wandered back upstairs & crashed back into his warm spot. I slept until almost 2pm!!!
I guess I really needed it because I feel a world of better - I can think more clearly & I don't feel like I'm dragging my ass any more. I guess I need more sleep so I better start looking for more hours in the day.
After much debate (stay in pj's or pants?), we decided to go to dinner at Ikea. It's an hour drive, so at 6pm on Sunday we loaded the kid into the car & drove in the rain....only to find that for some reason, there are parking spots near the door, but the escalators are all pointed down & out of the store, the elevator doesn't work, the doors are locked. D'oh! It was SUNDAY so they closed at 6pm. This is our second trip to Ikea for a desk that we still haven't been able to bring home. I think we're going to try again tomorrow, if Blixx isn't working. He's got a huge jones for swedish meatballs from their cafeteria. Really cool store with full restaurant. I had chicken marlsala last time we were there and dontcha know it, it was yummy! Blixx had salmon that was juicy & delicious. Shit now I'm hungry.
Anyway, Sunday evening we had a much needed non-Grips evening. It goes pretty much the same as if he's there with us, except I tend to drink & smoke considerably less & Blixx & talk about 'stuff' considerably more. It was good for us.
Yesterday, Cass woke us up at 7:15am, bouncing on our bed & chanting "Cotton Candy! Fair! Roller Coasters! Cotton Candy!" so it became clear to us that we were going to the Fair after all. We spent Labor Day at the Spencer Fair, which was a ton of fun. Cass loved the ferris wheel, got her face painted (cute, but $5 damn!) & ate a ton of crap. I'll post pictures from home in the next day or so. She's an adrenaline junky. We went on some big rides and she was terrific.

New Favorite Song

Hinder - Get Stoned

Just hear me out
If it's not perfect I'll perfect it till my heart explodes
I highly doubt
I can make it through another of your episodes
Lashing out
One of the petty moves you pull before you lose control
You wear me out
But it's all right now
Lets go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out (We could end up making love instead of misery)
But it's all right now
Without a doubt
The break up is worth the make up sex you're givin me
Lets hash it out
Cause your bitchin and your yellin don't mean anything
Don't count me out
I can handle all the baggage that you're carrying
You wear me out
But it's all right now
Let's go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out (We could end up makin love instead of misery)
But it's alright now
Lets go home and get stoned
We could end up makin love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
Go home and get stoned
We could end up making love instead of misery
Go home and get stoned
Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me
You wear me out
(We could end up makin love instead of misery)
But it's all right now
(Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me)
Lets go home and get stoned

Listen to a live version at WAAF. It's even better than the album version.

SherBear Comes to Visit

Sherbear came to visit family in MA and I got to hang out with her. We went to a BBQ down at her parent's house and had a great time. Our girls get along so well together. I just wish Florida was a little closer.

Girls Only Camping

This is the view from our camp site. We got some terrific sunsets.
This is apparently a cecropia caterpillar which one of the ladies found in her travels. I'd never seen anything like it.
I went campign with 4 other girlfriends and had an absolute blast. We went to Tully Lake, which is beautiful but you have to carry your own gear into the sights. Wouldn't you know it, we were the farthest away from the cars as you could get. But we took care of ourselves, ate like the Queens that we are and enjoyed the lack of whining and drama. It was a little slice of heaven.

Davis Farmland

We spent the day at Davis Farmland , a hands on farm that lets the little kids run around & pet the farm animals. We even took a hayride and went to the water park for some fun in the sun. Cass had a great time with Toria & QBall.

Canoe Trail Brimfield MA 8-13-06

I rode in my kayak, while Blixx paddles Cassidy around like a princess, which suited her just fine. As you can see, she did help out with the paddling. We went with Grips & his family, had a lovely picnic lunch then liesurely paddle back. We even managed to go out for Ronnie's fish & ice cream afterwards. A lovely family day.

Why Women go to the Bathroom in Pairs

We have all been there.... no?

* A Great Laugh and good lesson for men... (How easy they have it!)

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.


The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would
turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance"

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.........

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."



To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.



You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue
in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.



You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.


You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it to the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"



. . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Estrogen Weekend

I had a positively lovely weekend in CT with Tempest. I arrived at around 1pm so we farted around the house for a while, then headed downtown Guilford for some shop therapy at Vera Wolf. I got my peridot ring replaced, a pearl ring that Tempest picked out that was just what I've been looking for & some other little things. She got a beautiful necklace & earlings set. Hehe it's fun to be bad. We then grabbed a sandwich & iced cappuchino & headed for the docks. Her dad wasn't there to take us out on the boat, but we did sit and enjoy the sea air while we had lunch & caught up a bit. We then clustered out to North Haven & visited Jacknife, who was crampy. After a yummy chinese food dinner (dammit, I left the leftovers in CT) we went to bother Purge & Nightskye at Cue & Brew, an interesting spot to say the least. Mmmm pitcher of Harpoon Summer Ale says what? Then we headed to Nightsky's new apartment to wait for crampy to get out of work. We then demanded that Nightskye drive us anywhere in his convertable.

Oh my goodness, what an exhilarating ride!! I'd forgotten how he drives...and that he has no idea at all where the break is, or that some people actually use their turn signal to switch lanes. Listening to GnR turned up way loud, smokin butts and singing along we ended up at Krispy Kreme for more coffee, then back to his place to watch some ultimate fighting championships, which they had ordered on pay per view. Once Jacknife got out of work, we headed back to Tempest's & watched season 1 of LOST & some wine.

LOST SIDEBAR - I found the relationship between Micheal & Walt quite interesting, especially where we end up in Season2. Lock's faith in the island has been strong since the beginning. I'd wondered why Sawyer (yummy yummy yummy)did some of the things he did in season 2, but then I watched where Jack & Sayid tortured him for the medicine & I was all like 'oh yaaaaa!' Charlie was completely harmless after he quit the smack & was offering true friendship to Claire....so is he now suffering from 'the sickness?'

I slept, with Tish's help of course, until almost 11am which was lovely beyond measure. We didn't have enough energy to make coffee for ourselves, so we went to DuDo's then over to Jacknife's pool. I floated & floated & refused to get out until I felt myself approaching extra crispy. Jacknife went to work at 2:30 & we were all like, 'See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" and went back to lazing. Her family is so wonderful, they were worried they didn't have enough to offer us by way of food & drinks. It's been 30 years for christ sakes, if we're hungry we'll just go in the fridge...no need for pretenses, but whatever. We skipped going to Dead Man's Chest, mainly because by the time I hauled my ass out of the water we would have had to rush & neither of us were in the mood to rush to anything.

Back to Tempests where I grabbed a shower & she watched more LOST. I did my toenails & read some more cheesy sci-fi romance, then off to Nightsky's again. Jacknife bagged out on dinner for some reason, so the four of us took the convertable (suprise? no) to Pasta Fair, which was sub standard, but the company was first rate. I grabbed a final beer then hit the road.

I strolled in at around midnight & Blixx was already in bed. I hear tell that he had an early call time for work today. I spoke to my gf Tee who had him over for a kiddie bday party, & she gave me some insight on what he said & how he acted. Not posting it here, as it's heresay, but I'm thinkin it's gunna be a long ass night tonight. I'm sick of drama.

An Adventure

There was an embarrasing amount of marrital discourd between Blixx & I over stupid shit while we were camping last weekend. I really dont' think we're camping with the group again. We just can't take it. He can't share his stuff, he looses everything and somehow it's our fault, so we make sarcastic comments which make it worse. Going to 6 Flaggs he was pissed off at me, the world, everything even before we walked into the park. He was yelling or ranting or taking off all weekend and made it uncomfortable for everyone. I sulked or cried or tried to talk, only to get my head bitten off...again. It was so hard for me to have fun - I was just so unbelievably sad and tense the whole time. I really wished we had taken 2 cars so I could send him home and have some fun with people I like hanging around with.

I didn't get home until after 11pm (he waited until everyone else had gone before even starting to break down camp)and the whole ride (2 hours) he spent telling me what he wants and how people should treat him with respect and what he needs. No room for me or my needs at all. Now, he hasn't slept a decent night sleep since we arrived and it's hot and he just re-loaded the car all by himself cuz he's a martyr, so I just let him go off and tried not to let him notice the tears.

Next day, more of the same. It was a big rehash of everything that went wrong. He came to me as I was doing dishes and off handed said to me that he didn't want to make me cow tow to him. That was it. BULLSHIT he doesn't. We had it out and I yelled that he's been treating me like shit for years and I'm just not taking it anymore. He wants respect? Try handing it out once in a while. There was more to it, or less. I don't know. I was just sick of hearing what he wants and thought he should listen to me for a change.

I ended up taking a nice drive for myself and reading Girls Guide to Vampires at a local lake while I cooled down. We talked a little more in the evening and I know he gets where I'm coming from, because he put it in terms I know he understands. He treats me like a Production Assistant on a shoot - someone to dump shit on who doesn't know her ass from her elbow. He apologized and has been trying to be better. It helps he's working again so he isn't around most of the day, then I went out last night so I guess avoiding each other is key to making my marriage work.

I'm supposed to go away this weekend, but he's working late tonight and took a job for Sunday, so I guess my need to escape just won't happen quite yet. If I don't get to go to Tempest's estrogen weekend, perhaps I'll take the kayak out on Saturday. Or I'll meet Tempest at the mall. Something. Anything. I need to get away and allow myself to relax. And Blixx could use some quality time with Cass.

Just last week everything was looking so good with us. I mean really looking up. I hate that I reflect his moods so much, like I can't be happy if he isn't.

And it's not like I can go anywhere, there's Cass to think about.

Fourth of July Camping Pictures

Our little speed demon is all about riding bikes with her big girl bestest friend Toria.
The town beach in Lee was wonderful. The kids had a terrific time together & Cass is SO not afraid of the water. She just runs in and pretends to swim. I got her floating for a while so she's pretty much teaching herself to swim.
Pigs & Pigs. We went to 6Flaggs on the 3rd (thanks to Birdgirl)and security was really tight. The wouldn't let me bring in my spray on sunscrean...cuz I'm a threat to national security. Ya right. This just struck me as funny and made me wonder who's playing dress up.
We closed out the park, but Cass checked out during the fireworks display. We hauled her in the wagon over cobblestones in huge loud crowds and she barely flinched. Muffin had a long ass weekend.
The car was absolutely positively loaded to the gills. The kayaks were jammed full, and that's a wagon on top of that. I had stuff under my legs in the passenger seat. Cass had pillows all around her, protecting her from all our crap. We just don't know how to pack light, but at least we fit everything into one car.

Update

Blixx & I have found ourselves with a lot of alone time this week, which is exactly what we needed. Just last night, we were up until 3am chatting back & forth, drinking wine & cuddling. It was lovely & reminded me of 'back in the day' when we used to do that all the time. We're communicating very well right now and both realize that taking out our frustrations on each other has taken it's toll. No one is going anywhere & it's not nearly as drastic or dramatic as I made it out.

Cass had been up two nights in a row with a stuffy nose, so I'd 'slept' in her bed with her. Not a lot of sleep, on top of Cass's emotional state which had been volatile at best for several days. She & I had been at each other's throats, so when Blixx wanted to chat it was all I could do not to burst into a fit of hysterical tears..no matter what he said.

I over reacted because I didn't like what he had to say...the truth. I'd been a collasal bitch for weeks and deserved to get a reality check, especially before we have all our friends and loved ones over for Cass's party. I absolutely can not believe that I have a 3 year old. No way.

Thank you again to Rox, Tempest, Dee, Sherbear, Birdgirl and all those who offered support. You all gave me some really terrific advice and certainly listened while I bitched and moaned. I bet I could do a little more listening to you ladies out too. I definately need to do some more work on my interpersonal relationships. Nice way of saying stop being a selfish bitch. More action, less reaction.

Miniature Disasters

Artist: KT Tunstall Album: Eye To The Telescope: 2005 Title: Miniature Disasters

I don't want to be second best
Don't want to stand in line
Don't want to fall behind
Don't want to get caught out
Don't want to do without
And the lesson I must learn
Is that I've got to wait my turn

Looks like I got to be hot and cold
I got to be taught and told
Got to be good as gold
But perfectly honest
I think it would be good for me
Coz it's a hindrance to my health
I'm a stranger to myself

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster will be
It will be the death of me

I don't have to raise my voice
Don't have to be underhand
Just got to understand
That it's gonna be up and down
It's gonna be lost and found
And I can't take to the sky
Before I like it on the ground

And i need to be patient
And i need to be brave
Need to discover
How i need to behave
And I'll find out the answers
When i know what to ask
But i speak a different language
And everybody's talking too fast

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master
or a miniature disaster will be
I've got to run a little faster
Or a miniature disaster will be
Well I need to know I'll last if a little
Miniature disaster hits me
It could be the death of me

Stepping back from the edge

I've got some really good friends. E-mails and calls came in and I'm much better now. Perhaps 8 hours of uninterupted sleep helped out. Perhaps it's 2 nights with no drinking...a streak which I'm looking forward to breaking this evening with Grips, Birdgirl, Techie and anyone else who's in at Vincent's. A little adult conversation should do the trick nicely.

Thanks everyone who reached out - I really appreciate it. I'll be taking up those offers of childcare & girlfriend time once the craziness of Blixx's work schedule and the party planning nonsense is over.

So I'd worked up a nice simple response speach for Blixx and tried to chat at dinner (first meal we've eaten together, by ourselves in a week btw) but Cass made it impossible to hold the train of thought. So we'll talk more after dinner. I put Cass to bed, came downstairs and Blixx was SNORING on the couch...completely asleep, not napping, but OUT.

I could have woken him up and layed it all out for him, but I was pretty sure that would be interpretted as bitchy. I was certainly feeling bitchy. but I hope that by letting him catch up on some sleep that we'll be better able to communicate. So, I let him sleep. I couldn't even watch the big tv or chat with friends on the computer cuz he was in the living room. He was conked out until about 10:30, when some yahoo's in our neighborhood drove on our front yard. He awoke but wasn't really totally there. Just as we're drifting off to sleep at fuckin midnight, he asks me how I'm doing. Fucker. I said fine & thanks for the chat the other night. Kiss. Sleep.

So I guess there it is. I'm going to try to be more possitive and watch what I say and how I say it. He's going to....

Sleep, I guess.

Trying to get my Head on Straight

I know I said I'd post some pictures of camping etc, but I've got to handle this first.

I've been out of sorts lately. Nothing I could put my finger on, but my temper flairs at an instant & I've been snapping at Blixx (Grips, anyone available)all over the place. I get angry when Cass forgets to wash her hands after potty or bugs me for the thousanth time to go outside or whatever. I know all of this yet have been unable to stop myself. I'm tired & cranky all the time, lazier than usual. I've let household stuff slide, which wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't a stay at home mom who's supposed to be on top of this stuff...it's my job. Perhaps all the rain is the problem - stuck inside or struggling to find stuff to do with a 3 yr old is pretty stressful. But overall I've been a collasal bitch to my hubby, my kid and just about anybody I can get my hands on...all for no real reason.

Last night Blixx called me on it. Perhaps it's because he's been working with idiots all week for long hours and not enough money. He's been cranky, and admits it. So, I've cranked right back. For me, it's all specifics. He said this so I reacted. He did that, so I stomped out. For him, it's the general sense of me being not happy with anything that overrides it all and worries/upsets him. He's really really really at whits end here and freaked me right the hell out with the verbal diahreah he spewed forth. He said so many things, so many many things that's wrong.

"I've been working my ASS off, but if no one is happy then what the hell is the point?"

"I'd love to switch jobs with you, it would be nirvana to be able to spend all day with my beautiful daughter"

Both of those got me. I mean, I'm appreciative that he's out there working and I'm here raising Cass and juggling the bills to make ends meet. I guess I'm just not showing it. The small bursts of activity I do just aren't enough. Then again, he's a tough task master and I get really upset when I've had a busy day and done a bunch of domestic stuff (in hopes that he'll notice/be pleased) and he instantly finds the one thing I didn't think of, didn't remember, didn't read his damn mind to know.

My moods reflect his. I'll try to pull myself together before he comes home, but then he'll stomp in & be all pissy...and apparently expect me to still be chipper chearful. I pull back from him and try to interact as little as possible so he won't lash out at me, because he will and I can't take it. He talked a lot about not being able to take my snapping yet in the next breath he's saying "can't I be angry from work? it's not always you" so he's asking for what he's unable to give me.

I didn't sleep a lot last night, mainly due to mulling over the sad state of my marriage, but Cass being up with boogers every couple of hours didn't help. He says he doesn't see me happy. I say he's never home, so how would he know. I haven't seen a lot of him happy either. He says he only see's me happy when Grips is sitting next to me and I'm 3 sheets to the wind.

I'd love to argue that one, but he's right. I drink & stuff way too much, but dammit all if I don't look forward to the after bedtime ritual of sitting my fat ass on the couch and getting my groove on. It's selfish time and I don't get any of that any more. Then again, I'm totally resenting Cass for neeeeeeding me which is the exact opposite of how it should be. She's a gift and I should treasure each and every moment I have with her. I mean, so what if it's each and every moment of every day and she can't go 30 minutes without needing something from me. It's the nature of the beast and my poor attitude makes for her poor attitude so we're at each other's throats...then Blixx gets home and expects June Cleever and gets a big pile of BS.

He says my attitude needs to change. He's right. I couldn't admit it to him last night for fear that I'd loose it or just get mad, which has been my poison of choice. I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself when there's really nothing to be sorry about. I've got a wonderful hubby who works hard to provide for us. I get to stay home with my kid and have only the most basic of tasks to perform, yet I still manage to fuck them up.

He said a lot of other stuff to. There was an underlying threat that he can't take being with me in my current state...which leads me to wonder if he's talking about walking out on me. Scary. He also said he was being treated like a friend of ours...passing comment only...but that friend is in the dark about a lot of things in her marriage and what her spouse is doing...I just don't know what to make of that since all my vices are out in the open...so what the hell is he talking about? He think I've got stuff going on outside the marriage, cuz that would really freak me out. We're over that suspicion, I thought. Shit.

I think a lot of it is due to me not paying enough attention to Blixx. Flat out, by the end of the day (which is when he's rolling home)I'm worn out taking care of someone else, so he gets little sympathy. That, and he's ALWAYS tired and working with idiots. It is so rare that he walks in the door with a smile on his face, I can't remember the last time it happened. Ok, don't get me wrong. He sees Cass and he sparkles for her. Perhaps it's just me he doesn't smile for. Shit...what have I been giving him to smile for?

Then there's talking on the phone. Apparently, we can't do it. It seems to me that he's always calling when I'm right in the middle of something, usually a meal. I don't want to chat on the cell phone, especially if he's on his way home and I'm trying to get Cass onto the potty, out of the bath or to learn a new song. Then he gets home and Cass wants all his time, which I generally encourage cuz one less diaper for me to change is perfectly fine for me. We try to talk and she either physicly puts herself in between us or just jumps up & down screaming until we stop trying to communicate at all. I'm burned out from taking care of someone else all day every day - remember selfish old Chynakatt you grew up with and learned to love. Ya well, that's been shelved and while I wouldn't change a thing it's still hard for me to give myself so completely to Cass...then have Blixx want some too. I just don't know if there's enough of me to go around.

Which is completely unfair to Blixx. He says I haven't been listening to him, and he's right. But it's all bitch bitch bitch. Ya I know, he could say right back at ya baby.

I imagine I'll be starting a lot of sentances with "Honey, I'm not mad at you, but I'm really trying to....blah blah....right now."

Perfect example of how OFF we are:
It's Wednesday night at 11:30pm. Grips is here and we 3 are hanging out getting our groove on, as usual. I know that Blixx has to be up at 5:30am to be at work in Boston at 7. I have 2 options, neither of which has been correct. I've reminded him of his responsibility and suggested that we call it a night. This is met with resistance on both of their parts and I'm told to relax. Grips even pointed out that I was the only one worried about Blixx's schedule so I needed to settle down. Ok, so then the other night it's getting to be midnight and while I'm worried about Blixx not getting enough sleep, I keep it to myself. We get to bed at 1am ish, when Blixx gets all huffy and mad that he will only get 4 hours sleep. No, he wasn't blaming me, but I went ahead and blamed myself. I later brought up the situation and asked him what I should have done. "Well maybe we shouldn't hang out drinking every night."

Ok, well then speak up and let me know what you want to do. Grips is here almost every night. His wife goes to sleep at 9, which is just when he's getting going so he comes here and we watch stupid tv and tell the same old stories over & over again. I don't mind Grips being here, if we have no plans for anything else. He's a funny dude and it's easier for Blixx & I to ignore the pink elephant in the room when he's here. I think both Blixx & I are waiting for the other to be all like 'Honey, lets spend some qt together." Blixx will tell me to tell Grips that we're not hanging out, usually cuz he's so overtired he just can't take it, or he has an EARLY call time or something about work. Blixx puts me in the position of telling Grips that he's on his own for the night, which makes him pissy. I'll tell Grips that we're not hanging if I want to spend time with Blixx probably like 3 times a month. Apparently I need to do more of that.

I need Blixx to believe that I want to spend time with him, to listen to him and give him what he needs. Yes, I phrased that correctly. I don't know what I really want, other than for Blixx to believe. We've always had our problems and I am tired of going over the same old ground time and again. Of course, financially we can't divorce. And Cass would be crushed - she already keeps me up crying if she can't have Daddy put her to bed. I want to listen, I just don't want to listen to the same old shit.

Is it that I'm bored? Yeah, with a lot of things.

Ok, so change it up!

Hmmm what to keep, and what to throw away?

I'm gunna let all this sit for a while, and read it later on, after I've had more coffee and more time to think, then figure out what I'm gunna tell Blixx later on. Blixx told me to fgo talk to someone. I'm talking to you, and myself. I need some perspective.

Memorial Day - The Camping Season has Begun

So we're camping at Wells State Park this weekend. It's right in Sturbridge so if any of you want to come up and visit, please feel free to give me a call. Blixx headed out a little while ago. He took all of our stuff so he's planning on setting up the tent, screenhouse and everything, then chill this evening with Toad. Cass & I will join them tomorrow at some point and stay thru Monday. The Weather looks pretty good, with the possible exception of thunderstorms tomorrow evening, which we can certainly work around. It will be in the 80's Sunday and Monday - woo hoo! I can't wait to see Cass in her little bikini on the beach.
I'll be sure to post plenty of pictures of our adventures when we return.

Mother's Day Weekend

This was a pretty good weekend for the most part. Saturday I spent the day cleaning & organizing the house for the Mother's visit. Not only did I vaccum everywhere, but dusting and actually picking stuff up and putting it where it goes. Well, putting it upstairs in the 'office' to rot. I also caught up on GH (holy crap! Anna & Holly & Robert Scorpio are back....and old!)and Alias, as well as listening to music entirely too loud. You see, we let Blixx sleep in until almost noon, sent him & Cass into the shower then off with Grips & Vic to the Worcester Ecotarium. It's been raining for what seems like forever and Cass definately needed to run her little self out. They all had a great time, & Blixx brought home pizza for dinner so it was all good.
I get tense around my mother. That's an understatement really, but you get the idea. Add Blixx's mother to the mix and I've got palpitations, so you can imagine me runnign around the house making sure the cats stop shedding, keeping Cass's ponytails in...snapping at my husband. Oh ya, it was classic. So I'm all freaking out because they are on their way - then 11 comes & goes and I'm freaking out because they aren't there yet. Grrrr.
Anyway, we all went to the Post Office Pub and met Grip's family (grandmothers, sisters...there was 15 of us) to have a nice breakfast buffet. The food was wonderful, as was the company. Our moms came back to the house and we looked at pictures from Blixx's mom's trip to New Zealand & Australia. Wow she saw some wonderful sights and had a great time. They were all out of the house by around 4pm, at which time I promptly ditched the pantyhose and went right for the sweatpants & fleece look. Cass went upstairs for some rest (NOT a nap, cuz she's a big girl and don't you forget it)and Blixx went out to do some errands. He came home & we were both on the couch watching Stealth. OMG what a piece of drek. And since when do USNavy fighter pilots get to wear belly shirts as their uniforms? Anyway, I decided to really milk the Mother's Day thing and lay around as much as possible so Blixx sure had his hands full with Cass. She helped him make shepards pie for dinner even.
Grips came by later on & we watched the Survivor finale and I drank too much wine.
Yesterday was so rainy and miserable, I didn't get out of my pajamas until almost 2pm. I just didn't see the need to. Cass & I stayed in and read some books and watched the movie Valiant (ok I dozed, I admit it)and took a day of rest. I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now for it. Cass slept until after 8 this mornign so that might have something to do with it too. Or its just the coffee talking. Mmmmm talking coffee.
Today we're heading to B&N story hour, which I assume will be packed due to the weather, then going to the health food store to do some grocery shopping. I can not stress enough how cool Trader Joe's is as a market. You MUST go there, especially for snacks. Not everything there is good for you, but it's less sugar and less preservatives and less sodium. I think I'll grab their crispy orange chicken for dinner tonight. Nice & easy. We'll go to the pet store next door so Cass can see the fish & birds & ferrets. Later this evening I'm going out with friends to my favorite seedy bar to watch the Red Sox cream Baltimore. Tomorrow I watch Q & I think I'll grab that Ecotarium pass and take them up there again to run around. I don't think Q has ever been so Cass can show him around. Thursday we have a fun playgroup at a local church, then Blixx has the day off so we'll come home & wake him up. By that time camping will be only a week away so we've got to get our gear together. I imagine there will be a big trip to EMS or REI in our near future. I think we're heading to the library on Friday for some animal or train show. I don't remember what they had scheduled, but whatever...free entertainment for my kid is hard to find.

US Citizenship Quiz - Looks like I'm getting deported

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 5 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Holy Crap - I Passed 8th Grade Math

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

8th Grade Science

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

8th Grade Geography

You Failed 8th Grade Geography

Sorry, you only got 6/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Geography?

Deadly Sins

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 60%

Sloth: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 40%

Envy: 20%

Lust: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 37%

You will die love and feared by many. And you'll be buried in a tomb.

How Sinful Are You?

The Weekend

Greetings readers.My weekend started on Thursday when Grips decided to go on an evening kayak trip and that he wanted some company. Blixx had been up since 4am for work, then had gone biking with Toad, so he was DONE so I got the pass. We went to Buffumville and had a some margaritas as we floated around in the quiet. Ok, the peepers were out of control so it wasn't that quiet but still really relaxing. Neither of us needed a lot of conversation and that was fine with me to just chill and float with a nice drink in hand. Ahhhhhhh.
Friday Cass & I stuck around the house for a while, playing outside in the yard, then went & ran some errands. I finally returned the library books - man, I don't know what my problem is with that! I got paid by the radio station. We then stopped by our friend Tree's house and let the girls play for a while so I could listen to her bitch about mother's day and mothers in general. It was quite the rant. Blixx worked a little late on Friday so Cass requested hash & eggs for dinner - out of the blue, so I was obliged to give in. Besides, I love a good breakfast any time of the day.
Blixx had to work Saturday at Northeastern's graduation, so after being very very very lazy in our pj's all morning, I finally hauled her into the car and we went to the Apple Blossom Festival at Tougas Farm. After threatening to rain all day I finally got sick of waiting and dontcha know, it POURS on the drive over there, to the point where I almost turned around. Glad I stuck it out though because it ended up being beautiful & sunny.

She's a sucker for the petting zoo.

Funny Face! All hopped up on strawberry donuts.

Yesterday Cass & I went to church in the morning, then collected Blixx and headed to Rutland State Park for a family kayak with Grips & the gang. It was a beautiful sunny but cool day, the girls were well behaved. Toad even joined us! It was positively lovely! I took Cass in my boat for the first half, then Blixx had her for the second so I could just sort of drift back to shore. We saw turtles and a water snake so Cass was psyched. Vic even paddled her own boat most of the way & did a great job. Cass wants to be in her own boat so we're thinking that Memorial Day we'll put her in the little boat and tow her behind us & see what happens. My baby is growing up. Now if she'd only shit in the toilet life would be grand.

We went to Ronnie's for fried seafood & ice cream after and it was just about as close to a perfect family day as I can remember.

So I should hold on to that feeling because today Blixx starts a 9 day job where he's got to drive to Manchester NH every day for a 8am start so he's leaving the house at 6:30 which means he'll be up at 5:30 every morning. It's a cooking shoot so the perks should be great, and I'm sending him with a cooler every day to bring me leftovers, but it will be a long hard couple of days.

This week - hmmm, let me see. Today Cass & I are going to do some yard work and I should probably clean out my car - it has exceeded even my expectations for yucky. Oh, and laundry. Lots of laundry. Tomorrow we're meeting some friends to see Mission Impossible 3 at the Mommie movie. Cass won't be interested in the flick, but she'll have her little friend Livvie with her, as well as my buddy BabyGeorge. Cass told me to go to the store and get a BabyGeirge for myself just the other day. It was classic. Almost as good as when I was changing Q and points and yells PEEEEEENIS, then tries to take her own pants off to show him her 'gina. Wednesday I've got Q again for a few hours at least, and I think I'll have my mom come up if she NEEDS to this week. Thursday we have playgroup in the morning then weather permitting, I want to get some friends to take a walk in the woods with us or something in the afternoon. I'm not exactly sure as to what next weekend holds for us, other than Mother's Day.
I can't even think about that right now.

Stay at Home Mom Salary

Check out this article in regard to a recent study.

This seemed particularly intriquing:

"To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother's role -- housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive and psychologist."

Sounds about right.

Gotta talk to the boss about a raise.

My Space

Hey there all! I've joined the MySpace communuty. Check out my space H E R E.

Diety, hmmmmm

You are Nommo...
Take Which religious Diety are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

You are ancestral spirits worshipped by the Dogon tribe of Mali, Africa. The word Nommo is derived from a Dogon word meaning, "to make one drink." You are an amphibious creature of the water. You are also referred to as "the Teacher". This is because you teach people of the importance of self actualization, beauty, open mindedness, and love by way of hallucinogenic plants and a closeness to the waters. You are truthful and benevolent... you are worth worshipping.

Randomness

I'm at the radio station today. As I was leaving for the whopping 15 minute commute (including DuDo's drivethru!), Cass was just whining up, I mean waking up & Blixx was putting the trash out. I can not express to you how nice & relaxing it is here at the station. I mean, hardly any whining & other than a few minor duties, I'm playing online games, reading and generally screwing around until 5. I love my little daughter with all my heart, but sometimes Mommie needs a little break from the non-stop NEEEEEEEEEEDS. Blixx has been working a lot lately, then he did a quickie camp trip for a few days so Cass will be thrilled that it's all daddy, all the time today.

Anyway, screwing around on the internet I came across these gems:


Ron Muek's Contemporary Art weirds me out.

Online Pregnancy Test - pretty funny stuff. Mine is a boy.

Mixed Messages on a t-shirt. Great, so we can confuse men even further while they stare at our tits.

Dumb Connecticut Laws - check it out, Guilford is famous! Some others.

Check out these handy inventions. I'm a huge fan of the gas powered blender! Think b-day kids!

Once you learn to ride...

So I guess the old addage is true. I got on a bike today for the first time in...geeze, this is just a guess mind you, but I'm guessing 15 years! Grips & Red got new mountain bikes so we all went out, us on their old ones, and set off on a 6 mile ride. We'd walked this particular rail trail earlier in the year and wow did it just fly by on the bikes. I'm certainly feeling it in my legs and ass, but I was pretty proud of myself in how little whining I did on the journey. Poor Blixx hauled both girls in a tow behind carrier so he'll be feeling it in the morning. We b;ew off church and decided to spend the holiday outdoors enjoying the day.
Tomorrow we're all going to Southwick's Zoo. I'll be sure to post pictures.
Happy Easter!

The weather is vastly improving and I am so excited. I'm camping in a month & 1/2!!! Woo Hoo! Instead of going out to Vincent's last night, I invited the gang over here for a fire in the yard. It was wonderful, and it made Blixx feel good that I included him in my Tuesday plans. I did kinda miss the seedy bar dim lighting with the piano music, but hey I gotta be good to my man.

This week has proven super busy for Cass & I. Monday we drove out to Sturbridge to have a bookstore reunion party at my friend's house. I haven't seen her in months and she's now super pregnant so it was great to catch up. Her son LOVES me and Cass LOVES her so it was just like old times when Griff attached himself to me for the day, and Cass 'helped' Sar. Another baby friend of Cass's is walking now...another of her friends is already reading! It's only been a few months since the Belfrey closed it's doors, but so much has changed. Anyway, it was great to see folks and Cass had fun too.

Yesterday (Tues) I dropped my car off at the dealership to get the driver seat unstuck from the all the way back position. I can BARELY reach the petals without propping myself up. Blixx put it back to drive us around on Saturday & it just won't get unstuck. My friend Tee picked us up and we went out for lunch with her 2 (hellion) girls and icecream! Yeah! Blixx got out of work early so he & Cass worked in the yard for several hours while I caught up on paying some bills, cleaned up the house and got dinner ready. Blixx, Cass & I actually all sat down at the table together at the same time, before 8pm, and ate dinner. That hasn't happened in a little bit of forever. I mentioned the fire in the evening.

Today I've got Qball to watch. I think we'll stick around here and head outside in the yard for a few hours. Perhaps I can read a book while they amuse themselves...hehe yea right! Nice dream. I'll get them planting bulbs with me. Tonight is a new Lost so I assume Grips will be over to watch with us. Tomorrow we're going to a party at ChuckECheese, which should be a nightmare for me and a ton of fun for Cass. She loves that place but it's more than a little overwhelming for me. Too loud with too many kids. Yikes, I might be taking Qball with me too. Friday is off for Worc school kids, which means Vic has the day off. Either Grips will also have the day off & we'll do something outdoorsy together (kayaking weather permitting) or he has a shoot so I've got Vic for the day. I'm feeling a field trip to McD's playplace in our near future. Saturday is a double birthday party for Red & Flyboy, combined with an Easter egg hunt for the little ones.

Sunday is Easter and as of right now, we don't have any plans. My Mom & her Dick will be at Mt Washington and I just don't want to drive up there. Blixx's family is occupied elsewhere & Easter is the holiday where Grip's family runs off to be by themselves. I was thinking of kayaking or doing something outside. Maybe having a big dinner here. I don't know what we'll end up doing, other than going to church.

Yep, I've been going to the Unitarian Universalist Church here in Worcester. Preacher is a teacher there and several other friends have been going for years so I guess we're just jumping on their bandwagon. Its nothing like the church I grew up on, which is fine with me. It's an amalgamation of several religious influences. "Our interests lie in deeds, not creeds." I've only been to one official service, but the pastor read from both the bible & from a Jewish text, followed by a Buddhist poem about resistance. Dude managed to tie them all in together and make us laugh. He even said 'shit' during the service. Yeah, conventional church this is not. Cass has a great time in Sunday school too, and that's really why I'm there.

The natives are restless here. They are throwing sandwiches at each other. Not cool.

Wikepedia Birthday Search

On September 17th:

Events
1630 - The city of Boston, Massachusetts, is founded.
1920 - National Football League is organized in Canton, Ohio, United States.
1967 - Jim Morrison and The Doors defy CBS censors on The Ed Sullivan Show. Morrison sang the lyrics, "Girl, we couldn't get much higher" from the song, Light My Fire when asked not to.

Births
1923 - Hank Williams, American musician (d. 1953)
1935 - Ken Kesey, American author (d. 2001)Electric KoolAid Acid Test, anyone?
1948 - John Ritter, American actor (d. 2003)Clifford looses his voice

Deaths
1621 - Robert Bellarmine, Italian saint (b. 1542)
1996 - Spiro Agnew, Vice President of the United States (b. 1918)
1997 - Red Skelton, American actor and comedian (b. 1913)

Andy Rooney - Women over 30

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.
Enjoy!

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. It's experience.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+ there is a
bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Photos - Better late than never

Cass got dressed up to head out to a kid's musician show one evening. I LOVED her in this dress but unfortunately she just keeps on growing out of everything.




Cass is big into helping lately. Since we're trying to get her to use her powers for good, rather than Evil, she helped me make brownies. Her biggest contribution was to clean out the bowl. She was in the bath about 5 minutes after taking these pictures and we found chocolate in the oddest places.


This is Cass with her 'cousin' Q, who I've been watching on Wednesdays. Boy oh boy chasing the two of them around even one day a week makes me sure that I'm crazy to even consider having another kid. But they are good together, although this day they had taken EVERYTHING out of the toybox already & were working on knocking as many books off the shelf as they could. It's good to have a project, I guess.

We haven't been letting the fact that it's winter stop us from getting outside and walking around. Any day above 50 degrees is a good one so out we go to local parks or trails to enjoy nature. Cass is already talking about camping & kayaking this summer.

Catchin a ride with Daddy.

This past Monday we went with Daddy to Spencer State Forest and wandered around in the sunshine. Here she's jumped over to a sandbar in the middle of a river to have a snack. She'd bumped her head the day before so the bandaid on her head is more for show than anything else. Doesn't she look tough?



Sherbear & her daughter Banana came up from Florida recently. We met down at the Emerald Square Mall, where they have a full sized carosel in the food court. The girls loved it and got along well.

You'd think they saw each other every day - they were so comfortable with each other.




We spent a Saturday walking the 3 mile Wachusett Rail Trail and had a great time. While muddy, this was a wonderful flat & easy walk that we'll surely do again.

Blixx took Cass up to Wachusett Mountain to see Uncle Toad skiing. She's already showing an interest so we're thinking of getting her up on sticks next season.

It was a school holiday so Grips took us to the Ecotarium, a science museum here in Worcester. This is from the African exhibit.

V can lift Cass up now and carry her around like a sack of potatoes. Funny stuff, considering Cass doesn't mind a bit.

They learned all about different local animals tracks & skat & habits. It's a neat spot.

Rather than the $20 stuffed polar bear in the gift shop, I opted to spoil the girls with little stuffed owls. V's is named WhoWho, which leaves Cass's named WhoHa. Yep, it's funny when we're out in public & she's asking me where she left her WhoHa.