All she really told me about my biological father is that he was a total asshole. I’m just reading between the lines here, but I’m thinking that she was dating the wrong kind of guy (read Blue Collar) just to piss off her family. When she got pregnant, he immediately suggested abortion. Keep in mind that abortions weren’t legal in all states and certainly weren’t as safe and regulated as they are today. The coathanger hook device was still being used. She refused, and she says he was brutal to her, saying things like ‘pregnant women are ugly’ and other nasty things to bring my mother’s already fragile sense of self-worth to an all-time low.

When she told Nanny and her father the news of her pregnancy, they shipped her off to a home for unwed mothers in Bridgeport. She didn’t know anyone there, and didn’t have any visitors. She lived there for several months before I was born, and that whole time was spent fending off priests and state officials who wanted her to sign papers giving me up for adoption. She refused (obviously) and here I am. She tried to live back in New Haven with her parents, but it wasn’t a good situation. She rented a little house in Branford on the shore and lived there for 2 years until she met Daddy.

There’s still plenty of holes in the story and more that I want to know, but I feel good that we’ve shared this much. Our compromise is that she’ll continue to talk and share, but I’ve got to be willing to talk to her. After all the yelling and whatnot, Dick came back and we went out for pizza. I know it sounds queer, but it was actually good to have more lighthearted conversation after all that yelling. They talked about their dance and jazz stuff and I realized that if I want to be friends with my mother I’ve got to start sharing and taking an interest in what she’s got going on in her life.

After all of this, I went and had a drink with Purge while waiting for Tempest to come home from dinner. It was great to see them both and just shoot the shit for a couple of hours. We started watching the Farscape DVD and I was totally into it, until I realized that it was 10:45 and I still had to drive home. I was tempted to speed, but EVERY 3RD CAR ON I95 WAS A COP! It was brutal – they were everywhere. Then on 396N I kept my speed under 75mph just to be safe. I saw the cop way before I got near him and brought the speed down to 65mph just to be safe. Cop pulls out behind me and books to get about 2 car lengths behind me. He rode my ass like that for several miles before pulling into the passing lane and turning on the blue lights. My heart was in my mouth the entire time, even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I hate cops.

In closing, I point out that my mother looks like shit. She’s lost weight since last I saw her, but her face is so wrinkled. Her hair is almost all gray and she looks so tired. Perhaps it was just the stress of our meeting – I certainly hope so – but she really isn’t looking well at all. Her movements are stiff and she coughs horribly. One reason that I’m willing to try to heal our relationship is that she’s looking so old and I don’t want her to die thinking I’m an ungrateful child. She’s 56 years old but looks in her 60’s. I don’t want her to die without sharing.

Ok, that’s it for now. I’m still processing this whole thing and I’m sure it will come up again, but I’m sick of typing and thinking.

Good thing I’m at work. No thinking required.

Into the future…