If I’m not making sense, I’m sorry. I don’t know what the problem was, but I didn’t sleep more than an hour at a time last night. I feel so out of it, like I’ve been partying all night. Too bad I didn’t – at least then I’d have an excuse for feeling like shit. Reading usually wipes me out, so I grabbed a book and started reading. I was yawning like crazy so I clicked off the lights and snuggled next to my already comatose hubby. And then, the tossing and turning began. I couldn’t get comfortable. I couldn’t breath. I even got up around 2ish and downed some Nyquil. I did have a stuffy nose, but mostly I took it in the hopes that I’ll get some sleep. Nope. I didn’t get into a deep sleep until what must have been around 6am…the alarm goes off at 7 so I’m a little punchy.

I’ve got a presentation to make today at work. It’s a tough crowd and I hope it goes well. I’m betting that it was just anxiety that kept me awake last night. Or (scary thought here – big admission) it was that I didn’t get stoned. Actually, it’s been two days. That’s two more days that it’s been in a really long time. If I admit that I have a problem, then I obviously have a problem with it. If I deny that shmoking is a problem, then denial is a symptom of the problem. It’s a catch 22. I know that there will be plenty of shmoking going on over our vacation – it IS vacation after all, but I’m thinking that when we return I should save the shmoke for ‘special’ occasions. At least cut down to every other day or some crap like that. Just something I’m pondering. And yes, I know that I should quit smoking cigarettes. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Note to my friends who are down:

If you don’t like your job – change it. Either make the one you have better (my current strategy) or get another one. Monster.com is the best – and that’s my unbiased opinion…yeah right!

If you don’t like where you live, then move. If you don’t like who you live with, then have them move.

I know this sounds like the oversimplified rant of an overtired lunatic, but the easiest way to change is to effect the change yourself. There are plenty of outside influences that tell us we’re fat or stupid or worthless or petty or that our opinions are wrong. We have to tell ourselves that we’re right and that we’re worthy of our own self-love. No, I’m not making a Darling Nikki reference here. I’m just saying that if we can’t give ourselves a pep talk and tell ourselves that we rock, then how can we expect others to do it for us?

This is going to sound so queer, but I use my drive time hours to list to myself 3 things that I’ve done well or that I like about myself. And, I speak them aloud. I know, I know…boy am I going to get crap for this! I’m serious though. It helps me keep focused on the positive, rather than the crap around me. I also try to remember that there are some things that you just can’t change, no matter how badly you want to. If the reports are off at work and I’ve got the VP’s all up my ass…I’ve just got to remember that there’s really nothing I can do and that they aren’t mad at me, they are mad at the situation. While you are picking yourself up off the floor laughing Tempest, remember that you asked for motivational tape ideas…where do you think I got these ideas?

If you can’t change the people around you, then change the people around you.
I heard that from a really powerful speaker at a conference I attended for work and it stuck with me. If the people around you (coworkers, friends, lovers – whatever) treat you like shit then why in your right mind would you want that person still around you? CHANGE!

I’m loosing cohesion here. Coming unglued.


Unwrapped
I tumble to the ground
Like so much discarded pretty paper
Ribbons of the gift that is sleep
Entwine with doubt and fatigue
Pulling me into a warm embrace
Sleep in an enticing mistress
Who eludes me when I need her the most
And floats around me like a misty morning
Bringing dreams of change


Hey, not a bad poem for 2 hours sleep.

You won’t be hearing from me for a few days, as I’ll be in Maine rafting and relaxing. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I can’t wait to hear the stories from Darkmoon’s party.

Into the future…