This is the story of Dipshit and the Troll. The wedding crazies are upon some of you (just you Angel, but I didn’t want to single you out) and it got me thinking.

Dipshit used to be best friends with DaveGrips and Blixx. They went to HS together and we hung out all the time, as we live near each other. They were friends like Nightskye and Purge are friends – tight. Dipshit was married to BirdGirl but the marriage was rocky, as they never had a chance to be alone because they took in Birdgirl’s sister and her kids. Stressful I’m sure. Dipshit chose to cheat on Birdgirl with Troll, a nasty little critter he met doing theater. Marriage dissolves; we all get over it, except the Troll.

She is distasteful and obnoxious on her good days and we all instantly didn’t like her, but we wanted to give her a shot. We figured that if our friend could love her, we could at least tolerate her. We were wrong. Each of us had run ins with her that made us decide that she’s just a hateful bitch that deserves to be run over in a car. Example: We’re at a party. DaveGrips was big enough to include Troll in the invitation. Dipshit is up near the cooler and I yell “Hey Honey, while you’re up…” meaning for him to grab me a beer – this is a universal signal in my pack of friends. She gets up in my face and says “He’s MY Honey to order around, NOT yours!” She was actually pissed – no acting, pure anger. I did the only thing I could do in that wacky of a situation – I laughed in her face. Nope, she didn’t like me much after that. I was sure to put my hand on his arm and get close to him the rest of the party – petty, but fun.

We went over to his house for dinner (she wasn’t there for most of it) and actually had a good time. He’d been pulling away from us for some time (sex on a regular basis can distract a man) and it was good to catch up. She came home and preceded to bad mouth GeriDog, DaveGrip’s mother who was also his boss at the time. Now GeriDog has been the nicest and most fun Mom I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet and she’d give you her left leg if you needed it. She’s generous and nice, but you don’t want to piss her off. Troll pissed her off by calling the business all the time and making Dipshit rack up hundreds of dollars of charges on the cell phone. She hung around and was a general pain in the ass. So there’s Troll sitting across from me at the dinner table going on about how much of a bitch GeriDog is for making Dipshit work weekends and paying the cell charges. On and on she went until I stood up and quite forcibly instructed her that she had a right to her own opinion, but that I wouldn’t sit there while she put one of my friends, no my family down. We left shortly after that and it was the last time we socialized with them.

Since, we’ve had brief sightings where we’ll bump into each other at the mall or whatnot but not a lot is said. He actually was walking up into a store and walked right past my car and didn’t say hi. I know he saw me. I saw him see me and turn away. I even saw him look up to see GeriDog working at the front entrance before he took a hard right and went in the side door. Bastid!

It’s been over two years and he hasn’t initiated contact at all. DaveGrip’s has a wonderful baby girl and he doesn’t call to offer congratulations. Jack the dog dies and he has nothing to say. Jack was a family member, just as we all are, and his passing was a time of sadness for us all. He was old and had to be put down and it ripped DaveGrip’s heart out to do it. Jack had been there for all of us and we had a little wake in his honor. Think we’re weird if you want, but Dipshit should have called or done something. He grew up with that dog too. That was the coldest of all and I don't think that DaveGrips or Blixx could ever forgive him for that.

Why am I telling you all this - Because Dipshit and Troll are getting married next weekend. We were invited, but we’re not going to go. The first contact that we’ve had with them in almost 2 years and it’s a wedding invitation. How blatant of a cry for presents is that?! DaveGrips sent the reply card back with a big fat zero on it. Blixx and I chose to not reply at all. I thought it was fitting, as it is Dipshit’s chosen form of communication – none.

Now Teacher, GeriDog, Callista, BirdGirl and I are all going to stake out the church on the day of the ceremony just to see what she’s going to wear. Oh, we're not going in. We're just going to hang around outside to get some pictures of her wild outfit. Her entire wardrobe is gaudy and full of loud colors and patterns that don’t all quite match so why would her wedding day be any different? We’ve even heard rumors that her colors are…..

Drum roll please….Light baby blue and brick red.

Think about that for a moment. Really think about that color combination. Yeah, we women just have to see what’s doing in her world of fashion or we’ll never forgive ourselves. It will be a good lesson for little V too. The boys are against it, but what do they know? Troll collects beanie babies so we’re thinking that the reception will be filled with the things. Or maybe they will be littered down the aisle? She likes cow prints, so maybe she’ll have a western theme. Either way I’m betting on glitter and lots of it. I also imagine that she'll wear a big hat - perhaps with peacock feathers.

So how rude is it that they don’t talk to us for years and then invite us to the wedding? We’re going to have his brother and another friend who’s in the wedding party over for drinks after the rehearsal dinner – Dipshit isn’t invited. Again, petty but fun.

Light blue and brick red. If you are a male reading this, please turn to the nearest female and ask if those two colors go together for bridesmaids. The look of horror should be enough.

They are selling the house. You can actually see the white trash out on the lawn. It’s a great picture. Enjoy!

Into the future…