I've had several requests to revisit my TV listings so here we go. You are only obligated to watch Farscape at 9pm on Friday so you can see the premier episode and the repeat of Buffy's Hush at midnight on Sunday. Ok, if you have a life you can tape them to watch later.

Disclaimer: I do in fact plan on leaving the house this weekend. My must watch shows are clearly marked.

TONIGHT
6:30 Cartoon Network - Batman Beyond. It's on everyday and I love the show. Unfortunately, I think I've seen them all. It's certainly not the original dark knight, but the show has a style that I enjoy.

8:00 CBS - Survivor. Not too long ago I didn't like where this version was headed. But with the underdogs banding together to get rid of John, it's a totally new game.

8:00 NBC - Friends. Who cares who's baby it is? Who cares who any of them are sleeping with? Rachel is a slut.

8:00 FOX - Return of the Jedi. I think they are trying too hard to get us pumped for Episode 2. Then again, with Fox's weak programming schedule, I don't blame them for adding a few flicks to the mix.

8:00 MTV - Videos. I swear, that's what TVGUIDE says is on. Actual, honest to God videos. **MUST SEE SAYS ME**

8:00 Bravo - The Deer Hunter.

9:00 NBC - Will & Grace. As a fag hag, I appreciate the humor in this show. I think its lost some of it's edge recently, but still hasn't jumped the shark. Glenn Close guest stars.

9:00 TVLAND - Batman. The original series. Absolutely hysterical. No, they aren't gay. They just run around in spandex and capes. Gayer than Will & Grace.

10:00 COMEDY CENTRAL - South Park. It's a re-run of the one where they get stuck on the bus and Mrs. Crabtree gets a career in comedy.

10:30 COMEDY CENTRAL - The Man Show. I think this is one of the funniest shows on TV. Girls on Trampolenes.

11:00 MTV - Jackass. I watch this show only to have a preview of the news story on what some stupid kid did to imitate these idiots.

11:00 E! - Howard Stern. Long before The Osbornes became a hit show for MTV, Howard realized that Ozzie's family life was a hoot. He's had them all on his show for years and years and they have always been this funny and wacky. You'll see an 11 year old sweet faced Jack commenting on his father's bizarre lifestyle. **MUST SEE SAYS ME**

11:30 Cartoon Network - Tom & Jerry. They are my favorite, probably due to the violence.

FRIDAY

7:00 PM Cartoon Network - Samurai Jack. Two action packed episodes to cover for the fact that they aren't making any more Justice League cartoons for a while. Production difficulties is what I hear. Not sure how that's possible with a cartoon, but whatever.

8:00 PM FOX - Simpsons. Reese Witherspoon guest voices as the daughter of Rainier Wolfcastle, action film star.

8:30 PM FOX - Dark Angel. Season (&possibly Series) Finale, directed by James Cameron. There's been a lot of press about this and I've heard the special effects are wonderful. TVGuide says: Freak Nation James Cameron's TV-directing debut---the first film he's directed since winning an Oscar for 1997's "Titanic"--concludes the sci-fi series' second season. **MUST SEE SAYS ME**It's a 90-minute episode filled with elaborate fight sequences, mutant revolutions and a number of plot resolutions. In the story, Max (Jessica Alba) and her crew are forced to take the Jam Pony staff hostage after the government's hunt for mutants turns Seattle into a vigilante war zone. But as Max negotiates with the cops to avoid bloodshed, White (Martin Cummins) tests a corps of killers genetically designed to erase all proof of Manticore's past mistakes.

9:00 PM SciFi - Farscape. This is the premier episode kids, so if you've never checked this show out I highly suggest you do so. In fact, it's mandatory. TVGuide says: Premiere A research scientist (Ben Browder) attempts to harness Earth's gravity in an experimental space mission, but it goes awry---hurling him into an alien galaxy where he's caught between two warring factions. **MUST SEE SAYS ME**

10:00 PM SciFi - Farscape. Puppets get pissed. Rygel seeks revenge.

10:00 PM Food - Iron Chef!


SATURDAY

8:00 AM WB - X-Men Evolution. The animated take of the young mutants. Not exactly true to the comics, but I dig it. Another episode is on at 10:30. The WB has a pretty good line up, if you can avoid the Pokeman.

8:00 AM ABC Family - Spiderman. Another cartoon that I really dig. Granted, I'm not usually awake to watch it, but if by some chance I awaken?

10:00 AM TLC - Trading Spaces. I love this show, I think even a little more since I've heard Blixx describe the behing the scenes situations. This is a repeat, I think from NJ.

2:00 PM FOX - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A repeat from Season 2, called Go Fish. No lesbians (at least not OUT yet), but there are some swim team members that turn into fish.

3:00 PM Fox - V.I.P. I don't care what disease Pam has, this show is so over the top it's funny.

3:00 PM TNT - Goooooood Morning Vietnam.

4:00 PM FOX - X-Files. A rerun from the Mulder days. You remember, back when the show was ½ way decent?

4:00 PM UPN - Terminator 2. Did you know that on the DVD, if you pause in just the right spot as the new terminator is being zapped into reality?you can see schlong. True story.

4:00 PM NBC - Kentucky Derby. I've always been a fan of the hats and pageantry associated with the Triple Crown. Should be a decent race, with some underdogs in the mix.

5:00 PM FOX - Stargate SG-1. Starring McGiver, this is the show that's taking the 9pm timeslot in front of Farscape in SciFi in June. Pretty decent, with some good writing and the occasional laugh. Blixx is a big fan.

6:00 PM WB - Mutant X. A repeat of last Sunday's episode. A powerful mutant punished the X team, blaming them for the death of his wife.

6:00 PM Fox - Comedy. Two hours of 3rd Rock, Drew Carey, Simpsons & Seinfeld.

8:00 PM Fox - Star Wars.

8:00 PM ABC - The Sixth Sense. I swear this was on just the other night. I see dead air space.

8:00 TLC - Trading Spaces.

9:00 TLC - Trading Spaces.

9:00 VH1 - Beavis & Butthead do America. He He He, they said "do".

9:00 NBC - Men in Black. Again, getting us pumped for the summer sequel. I did Wil Smith in this role.

10:00 PM Comedy Central - South Park. Chef Goes Nanners.

10:00 PM FOOD - Iron Chef!

After 11, it's a crap shoot. SNL is a repeat, but maybe back to when the show was funny. MadTV is new and they promise to provoke Oprah's wrath. Other than that, there's a lot of crap.


SUNDAY

9:00 AM SciFi - Fantasy Island. Remember the crappy remake of the original that lasted like 10 eps on CBS? Yeah, it's found a new home here at the crack of dawn. I'm not saying I'm usually awake to watch this crap, just putting it out there for you early risers.

There's nothing on at this ugly hour of the morning. Put on some music. Go back to bed. Read a book.

11:00 AM WB - The Lost World. Ok, so if they are lost how come they keep meeting new people on the peninsula every week? There's TONS of folks around, including a Camelot like place, the roaring 20's and my favorite is the 50's.

11:00 AM FOX - Stargate SG-1. A different ep.

12:00 PM WB - Beastmaster. Yum Yum Yum, Dar is dumb. Look, I made a funny! I think the original Beastmaster (who in the series is Duh's father, the King of Good or some shit) is coming back.

12:00 UPN - Say Anything. I LOVE this movie!

1:00 PM WB - Mutant X. New episode means new leather pants.

1:00 PM USA - Urban Legend. Slasher teen flick with Jared Leto, who was in the series My So Called Life, which never should have been taken off TV.

1:00 PM TNT - When Harry Met Sally. I hate Billy Crystal, except in this movie. I think it's the orgasm scene that wins me over.

2:00 PM ABC - Total Recall. Ah Nud.

2:00 PM TNT - Philadelphia. Powerful movie about life and death. Antonia Banderas. Mmmmm.

2:30 TBS - Interview with a Vampire. Tom Cruise was such a better Lestat!

3:00 PM Discovery - Blue Planet. Explore the deep. Creepy stuff down there!

3:00 PM USA - I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Same movie, but with Brandy & a tropical locale.

4:00 PM WB - Tango & Cash. FUBAR explained.

4:00 PM Court - Homicide, Life on the Streets - this is one of the best written TV shows out there.

4:00 PM TCM - Poltergeist. Classic horror.

5:00 PM & 6:00 PM TNN - Real TV. Stupid People doing stupid & amazing things.

7:00 PM Fox - King of the Hill. Redneck humor hasn't lost it's touch.

7:00 PM TLC - Junkyard Wars. Team Orange competes with Team Yellow to construct an underwater breathing apparatus from junk, so a team member can retrieve booty from a treasure chest in 20 feet of water and send it to the surface.

7:00 PM Cartoon - Justice League. New ep? Unknown.

7:30 PM Cartoon - Batman. Cartoon of the Dark Knight.

8:00 PM Fox - Simpsons. Apu's fling with the Squishee Lady is caught live by Homer, but on tape by his wife Manjula (Jan Hooks). James Lipton has a cameo.

8:00 UPN - Misery. An actual decent movie version of the Stephen King novel.

8:00 PM TBS - Star Wars. It's everywhere.

8:00 PM ABCFAMILY - The Princess Bride. The search for the 6 fingered man continues.

8:30 PM Fox - Malcolm in the Middle - and you thought your family was weird?

9:00 PM Fox - X-Files. No sign of Mulder yet, but there's only a couple of eps to go toward the series finale. I hear that we won't get much closure, since they are working on another movie.

9:00 PM ABC - Alias. This chick kicks butt.

9:00 PM USA - John Carpenter's Vampires. Vampires are funny.

9:30 MTV - Osbornes. If you missed it Tuesday, tune in for a repeat.

10:00 PM MTV - Jackass.

10:00 PM Comedy Central - The Man Show. New ep, I think.

10:00 PM ABCFAMILY - Robbin Hood, Men in Tights.

11:00 PM UPN - Maximum Exposure - More stupid people doing stupid things on TV.

11:30 PM Cartoon - Aquaforce Hungersquad, or something like that.

12:00 AM Cartoon - Sealab 2020.

12:00 AM FOX - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. HUSH. This is one of the best eps ever! If you can't stay up late to watch it, set the VCR for some truly innovative TV viewing. I'm not just saying that because I'm obsessed. TVGUIDE says: This quiet episode really caught everyone's attention during the 1999-00 slaying season. In this innovative, dark and largely dialogue-free offering from creator Joss Whedon, Buffy and Co. are literally silenced by a mysterious force. "I was just trying to expand the use of TV as a visual medium," says Whedon, who was inspired by silent horror films. Whedon says the episode features "the scariest [villains] we've ever done." These beings, called the Gentlemen, steal Sunnydale's collective voice in order to harvest organs from the populace. With Sunnydale in a quiet riot, it's up to Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) to bring in the noise. **MUST SEE SAYS ME**