I am going to the wake tonight and funeral tomorrow. Blixx needs me. We’ve also decided that come hell or high water we’re doing something fun on Sunday, just the two of us. He’s talking about going to the ocean and watching the thunderstorms roll in. Sounds good to me!

Ten years ago I took a year off college and moved in with a girlfriend in MA. Mom didn’t like it. Nanny really didn’t like it and was on my mother’s ass, saying that she didn’t raise me right to have ‘run off’ like I did. This was further compounded by the fact that Mom got a boyfriend for the first time since Daddy had died and was enjoying a social life. For the first time in years, Mom was going out at night and NOT CALLING NANNY EVERY DAY. This was a big problem, and Nanny would call Mom all the time crying and carrying on, but Mom stood her ground and continued to date HerDick. Nanny didn’t like this show of individuality one bit, so she hatched a plan to get back at my mother.

So, I’m up in MA enjoying a wonderful day sunning myself by the pool when Nanny calls for me. I honestly didn’t think she had my number, but there she was. Crying, she explained that my mother was obviously drinking again because she was going out to bars that play loud music and staying out late and travelling. You have to understand that these are all things that Mom just didn’t do – for years after Daddy died she just stayed at home and smothered me. When I left, I was very grateful to HerDick for providing an outlet for my mother. The unannounced visits (Easter she showed up where I worked in a bunny suit and wondered why I was mortified) had decreased and I was no longer her focus. WooHoo! Nanny continues crying in a very dramatic way, and goes on and on making disparaging comments about my mother’s character. I don’t believe Mom is drinking again, and I’m pretty sure that Nanny is just pissed so I’d intended to just let her vent.

She then mentions ever so casually that Mom is acting just like she did when she got pregnant with me. I ask Nanny to clarify. She says that Mom got very secretive when she came home from school pregnant and without a husband. I’m confused here, because Daddy and Mom had met years after my mother went to college. Nanny then tells me (still in a calm voice, no hint of the tears from 2 minutes ago) “Frank isn’t your real father dear. Your mother told you that, right?”

I went cold. No, my mother hadn’t told me. No one had told me! Nanny hints that Mom got knocked up in Newport while she was at college and that the father is the son of a very prominent family. That is all she would say. You realize that Nanny is pissed that my mother has somehow found a life so she decided to use me to get back at her. No regard for my feelings here – just vindictiveness. I call Mom and at first she denies it, then caves. She can’t tell me who my biological father is – she just can’t. To this day there have been several conversations, and they all end with my mother breaking down in tears and running away.

That was 11 years ago. My mother still thinks we can have a close relationship and doesn’t understand why I’ve pulled away from her. Seriously, she just doesn’t understand. When I was planning my wedding, she wanted to be involved and got very mad when I told her we were planning on a private ceremony on an island. Fighting ensued and I again asked her to shed some light on the identity of my biological father. Hysterically crying, she ran from the house and didn’t bother me about the wedding again. Over the years, each and every time I’ve tried to talk to her about this she breaks down. Then if I’m cold to her or don’t call for a while, she’ll ask me why I treat her like I do. No clue! Time will pass, then she’ll start cheerfully calling again and will act confused at my lukewarm responses.

So Mom recently opted to write me a series of letters asking my we can’t have the wonderful mother daughter relationship we used to have. She must be remembering when I was 5 or so years old. I’ve been very clear with her so many times, but she still doesn’t understand. So, I write her a letter:

Mom, I need to know who my biological father is.

I think about this every day. EVERY DAY. This is part of my family history and I deserve to know the truth. It is not some little thing that I can get over and move past. I want to have a loving Mother / Daughter relationship with you and I want to share with you the joys and troubles in my life, but you must face the reality that I need to know who my biological father is. Until then, I really can not play along in your game of denial.

This situation makes me angry, sad and frustrated. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder why the truth is being kept from me. Why am I being hurt like this? I can only guess that there must be some terrible circumstance surrounding my conception, and I don’t want to cause you any pain or rake you over the coals and dredge up all sorts of horrible memories, but I can’t go on playing this guessing game. I will be supportive of you and accept of whatever you might tell me, but I must know the truth.

Frank is my father, my Daddy. He helped to raise me and I love him still. I am not looking to replace him or our treasured memories, but to fill in gaps in my heritage with the truth. I am not looking for a replacement father, just the truth. I am not trying to punish or blame you for anything by not keeping in touch. I can just no longer concentrate on idle conversation with you because it is too emotionally exhausting. I am so upset and just can not get past this, Mother. I need to put an end to this so we can get over it together and get on with life.

Please Mom! Please tell me the truth so we can begin to rebuild our relationship! Until you can be honest and open with me, until you can trust that I can accept what you tell me, then I just can not be the warm and loving daughter you want me to be. Every time that I have brought this up, you say “Oh, Chynakatt” then break down. I know this is extremely difficult for you, so take your time with this Mom. I’m not going anywhere. I hope to talk with you about this, soon. I will listen to what you have to say, but I need you to hear me too.

With love in my heart,

It was over a month ago that I sent her that letter, hoping to find the truth to put this behind us. I didn’t hear a thing from her until yesterday. A short message on our machine, she called to tell me that she and HerDick are performing at the Essex Jazz Festival this weekend and that she’d love to see me there. No mention of the letter. No mention of the pain and heartache she has caused. Complete denial!

If any of you wonder why I’m so totally f*cked up, this should shed some light on the dysfunctional family history I come from. With all that’s going on with Blixx’s family, the last thing I needed was to hear her voice chirping away on the machine. Blixx wants to call her back and reem her, but I don’t want him to get involved. DaveGrips helped his wife to find her father after several years and has offered to help too. All of my Extended Family in MA has been supportive and wonderful, but I just don’t know what to do here. I don’t know how to make her understand me. Any ideas are appreciated.

I should have sent her a Father's Day card and asked her to forward it for me.

Off to do some more work then get out of here to start a very long weekend. UG!

Into the future…